Last night I had a dream.
It was my grandma in her wheelchair, except she was more like her old self. Somehow she had gotten help and she could eat better on her own and laugh like I remember and look at me like she knew exactly who I was. So we laughed together and I looked at her as both our eyes filled with tears and I told her how much I had missed her. And before she could say anything in return I woke up crying.
It was the first time in my entire life I'd ever woken up from a dream because I'd been crying. And I'm just not sure what I'm suppose to take from it.

Teen Titans always win

I find myself in a house I'm unfamiliar with, out in the middle of woods that very well could come straight from a horror film.
But watching cartoons I remember from when I was a kid comforts me instantly. And I'm suddenly less scared.

The season of the june bug(s)

Your incessant clicking and ticking drives me wild. I see you, with your hard shell and crooked legs as you attach yourself to my screen door.
From the outside going in, I dread you being there. I run and fend you off as you all fall to the ground and all around me as I rush inside late at night.
But once I'm safely inside, I mock you. I laugh at your stupidity as I flick you off the door and watch you drop to the ground, motionless for a few seconds until you fly back up and stick your legs back into the holes of the screen. And all I think is, laugh, flick, and repeat.

I'm attempting to convey my thoughts a little more poetically these days, but I feel like it just comes off a little weird.

Mondays

Some days, hours will pass while I look out the window.
I watch the trees as they sway in the wind, the rabbits as they come out from their hiding spots, and the bees as they buzz from flower to flower to collect the nectar for their colony.
And once these hours pass and the trees stop swaying, the rabbits disappear, the bees buzz away, I look forward to the time in my life when I can retire to the swing on my porch for days on end to witness nature at work.

Just a catnap

If I could dream about anything
I'd dream about you.
I'd dream of the way you look
when you anxiously smile.
How I long to see you
because it's been awhile.
I'd dream of your shirts,
how I love to wear them,
and just being with you,
my most precious gem.
And when I would awake from my sleep
to look to my side,
I'd see you laying there
looking at me, eyes happy and wide.

Summer blues

I had anticipated more from my summer.
I expected to spend my days exploring the city or sitting poolside. But that's the funny thing about summer.
You spend your time building the anticipation for when it will come, and as it arrives you remember that most summer days are merely spent looking out the window, wishing you had any idea what to do.

Dang....

I've never thought of myself as a person who kids are attracted to. Up until this past year my experience with kids has been minimal, and I just assumed I would always be average with children, especially not as liked by them as my sister. So today, when I left my family's house and a little boy was sad to not receive a hug from me, of course I went over to hug him with a smile on my face twice the size of his. And the fact he wasn't interested in hugging my sister was just a nice addition.

While I was at college... my cat changed

It's easy to forget that while you're gone things change. We preserve this image in our mind of the way things were before we left, and that's what we always think of. Then, upon returning, we're shocked to find that things have changed. We spend so much of our time looking back and enjoying the memories that we have, we forget that life is always being altered and changing, whether we're there to witness it or not.

I have so many things to say
but no idea how to say them.

Cool gun collection

I'd like to go hunting one day. Except I can't bear the thought of actually shooting a gun to kill something, and see the life drain out of its eyes until it's motionless and lifeless. Just so I can say I did it.

Pink cheeks

I say all these things about living my life and letting love find its way to me, but I know that's not me. I'm too cheesy and full of cliches to not run after love and put everything on the line for it.

Norwich Terrier

Whenever I get reincarnated, I'll choose to be a dog.
I can't imagine any better way of spending my days than
running around the yard,
laying all over the house,
and eating.

Oh Bosley

I notice my cat likes to sit on the dresser near the window,
stand on his hind legs,
and stare into the world.
It makes me feel at ease as though he's protecting me.
And then I hear him make his weird sound,
his hunting sound,
and I realize all he's doing is bird watching.
So I'm left a little less at ease.

My favorite topic

Sometimes I think I take you for granted.

Because you're always there, even in your bad moods.

I found this from May 2009. Just that short bit.
It stands well on its own

Thank you How I Met Your Mother

When I was younger I visioned myself in the fairy tale relationship. I had assumed I would find 'the one' in high school or in college and we'd acquire this mass of pictures to show off at our wedding of us at numerous dances, and we'd have crazy stories to tell our children of all the shenanigans we pulled. I guess what I never thought of though was the way my life has truly panned out.
I know I'm not old by any means, but I'm getting older with every year. I'm at the point in my life where I've passed some of the monumental possibilities that I had imagined with my future husband, like pictures from prom. I'll never attend another prom in my life, and seeing as I went solo to both of mine, there will never be those embarrassing pictures to show at the wedding of my husband and I at our prom together.
But the more I think about it now, the more I realize how unrealistic that vision was. The likelihood of marrying your high school sweetheart is minimal, especially if you're like me and didn't have a high school sweetheart to potentially marry at all. I picture my future, and rather than seeing some faceless man and I getting engaged before college is over and having children by the time I'm 23 (like the 10-year old me thought), I see endless possibilities with my life. I see myself studying abroad, moving anywhere I want to, living in crappy 1 bedroom apartments being a teacher in the middle of who cares. And somewhere down the road, as I'm living my life the way that makes me happiest, there might be a man who fits into my life perfectly. I mean, I was being so unfair to myself before, thinking that I should miss out on opportunities just to be with someone who may or may not exist instead of just living my life and leaving the rest of it to fate.
I guess my point of this whole jumbled mess of thoughts is a reminder to myself that not everything has to happen tomorrow, or next month, or even next year. And maybe the reason I haven't found what I'm looking for is because of that: I'm looking for it. If it's not suppose to happen yet there's nothing I can do to speed along the process except wait for things to progress as they need to, and just enjoy the ride.

Who I am hates who I've been

For so long I desperately wanted to figure out who I was and what I wanted from life and what it wanted from me. But I realize the only thing that stood in the way of discovering myself was me. I took more of my time trying to conform to what I thought everyone wanted me to be instead of just listening to the cries deep inside myself, which I know sounds cliche. But I've found now that I listen to myself above anyone else, I am a much happier and stronger person than I thought I could be. And even though I still don't know what I want out of life, I know I'm closer to figuring it out than ever before.

I wish I could explain to you
how happy your smile makes me.

I have it figured out

There will be a day
when I return to you
and you will find me
completely changed
and new