It's difficult, learning to be alone. One day you're walking arm in arm and everything seems in place, and the next day you're learning to walk alone. It makes me miss the feeling of being wanted. Of having someone in my life who made me feel like they had their hand extended toward me, waiting for me to link my arm in theirs.
But I suppose I'm not alone or unwanted. I still have friends, the best of friends, who would fight for me friendship and be by my side when the times are tough. And yet, as wanted and surrounded as I may seem, there is still a sense of loneliness. A missing piece.
So maybe it's not that we find it difficult to learn to be alone, because we're never really alone. Maybe the difficult part is accepting the change and absence of what we're used to.

I love to watch movies of places I want to go, things I want to do, meeting the type of people I want to know.

It reminds me how young I am and how many opportunities I still have. My future is completely my own, and I cannot express the excitement I have to one day explore my options.

I never get so angry that I have nothing to say. I always have something to say. And it's usually snarky, and sarcastic, and defensive. But it's words. There are always words. 

And yet I am so angry that the words aren't coming to my head or out of my mouth so I'm just gawking. And rambling. And the words aren't coming. No real words with real meaning. Just displaced, repetitive, completely unnecessary rambling.

And that's all I have to say really. 

When did it stop being "cool" to be a good person? Nowadays people get more praise for making a nasty, rude, and degrading comment than they do for giving a compliment and carrying out a generous deed.

What happened to people treating others decently, not for their own benefit, but because it's a human right to be treated decent? Good deeds rarely go unnoticed in this era because people are more interested in advertising their actions on Twitter or Instagram than actually doing something charitable or kind.

How did we as a human race become so selfish? When will a day come when we do something thoughtful just for the sake of fellow man? Will a day ever come when we stop the monotonous slandering and realize efforts spent on hatred are cowardice and pathetic?

Why do we insist on fretting over the things we can't change? Worrying about the things that have already happened? Regretting the things that are left in our past?
Rather than focusing on our future, it's like we're programmed to worry about our past.We end up spending so much time, reliving our past and waiting for the future when we can move on, that we forget to live in a way that will allow us to grow and prosper as individuals. Every day, every minute, every second we spend stuck in the past is an opportunity we are missing out on for the future.
So stop it. Stop thinking about what you would have done and questioning the way things could have panned out if you had done such and such different. And most importantly, stop blaming yourself for any mishaps that might have occurred. If you put in half the amount of effort to make the best out of each day as you do looking back on the "what ifs," you might find yourself at a better place now that you had ever been before.

My positive outlook: I can't feel much worse than I do now, so it all has to go up from here. Right?

I've never been stood up before, so I guess there's a first time for everything. 

It's most difficult because you didn't say anything. There were no clues or indications that you gave me. It all seemed okay. And then you didn't respond, you left me waiting, and it's not okay. 

So I'm glad that our 4-year long friendship led to this. God you're an ass.

It's hard to see day to day the changes that we go through. I often times look in the mirror and see the same girl I was years ago and forget all of the triumphs I have had. It isn't until we're faced with a difficult decision that we have the chance to see how much we have truly grown.
A year ago, or even a few months ago, any form of rejection crushed me. It was impossible for me to manage to obtain a positive outlook when something negative affected me. I know it's something most of us do, and it's reasonable. It's a let down to know that something you've worked for and anticipated just isn't going to happen.
But this time around, I've chosen a positive outlook. I've decided that while one opportunity may not be suited for me right now, it doesn't mean there won't be another one to come along. The timing could be bad, the opportunity not properly fitting, or I'll stumble upon something better in the near future.
There is no such thing as a positive or negative situation, only positive or negative outlooks.

As the year draws to an end, I'm drawn to reflection. Thinking back on everything that has happened this year, and how much everything has changed since this time one year ago.
So instinctively, he begins to cross my mind.
It's strange to think that one year ago, almost exactly, we began to date. How different things were back then, and yet, they weren't.
It was before I had to leave school for a semester, before my life began to revolve around him.
And though I know you're thinking I'm going to break down any second and confess my undying love and wish I could return to this time last year and do everything differently, I wouldn't. I wouldn't find a way to stay in school without that break, and I wouldn't have done anything different about our relationship.
I'm sick of always having to reflect on bad situations in only a negative light. Reflecting and wishing for an altered outcome does no good; there's no going back and changing the past. So instead I've chosen to look and recall the lessons these circumstances have taught me and move on from them with more insight.
The break I took from school wasn't a choice, and yet today it's exactly what I would have chosen for myself. My leaving from school and being forced to consider all of my options to work had and return or take my loss and quit college altogether showed me how much I need this education, and how much I love it. Sitting around the house waiting for the hours at my mediocre job to happen so that I can make a subpar salary with my indifferent boyfriend is never how I would want my life to end up.
And that speaks volumes of him as well. His life encompassed mediocrity, and yet he was content. Knowing that there was the option for him to go to school, free I might add, and make something of himself, he chose the road he was already walking; one with no security and nowhere to go. I would never want that for anyone, let alone him or myself.

So I reflect back on this time a year ago, and the time since with determination. I thought my life was full of happiness then, only to see that I was blinded by a pretty face with a carefree attitude. But I can see now that even with the stresses of classes, the pressure to find a boyfriend, and the struggle of balancing school and work and a social life, I've reached bliss. I know that I am on the right path because regardless of all of the adversity I come to face, I'm never unhappy. Without him and without leaving school, I would have never known how happy I could be, in comparison to how miserable I was.

I always blog about the bad stuff because no one really wants to hear it. When you get together with people and they ask, "what's new?" they aren't really wanting a real answer. They want you to smile and act cheery. No one ever wants a sad story. 

And it's the same reason why I never post anything happy. Since no one ever wants to hear what's really going on, you're forced to out stretch all the good things so you seem normal and fine. And after about 3 times, the story you're telling seems old and dull. Irrelevant and unexciting.

I just end up drained of all the good and bottled up with all the bad.

All of a sudden everything hits me at once. The reminder that the world isn't as good of a place as I usually perceive it to be. The death of a family member. Someone I'm not very connected to, but yet it's the reminder. In an instant everything just turns dark, blank, empty. 

It's like all the bad things that I've been trying to convince myself aren't so bad, begin to look so evil. 

And it just leads me to wonder; what am I doing? Does anything that I'm really doing matter? And if it doesn't matter then what's the point of it at all? So I can momentarily feel full of this happiness placebo?

I'm just looking around and realizing how much this all really fucking sucks.

I want to find someone like myself one day. Someone I can spend the rest of my life with. 

I'm just worried I'm too weird to find anyone like me

I think past relationships can be so tough to get over, even years later, is because we all always think we're the type of people that are worth going back for. We never think we did anything wrong, or so wrong that would mask the type of wonderful people that we are that someone wouldn't someday come back for us.
I'm not asking for some guy from my past to come sweep me off my feet, in all honesty there isn't a guy from my life who I could be convinced to reconsider starting over with, but I guess I'd just like to have someone remind me at a time when I'm so single, that I'm worth something. That I could be worth some fairy tale.

But I'm also watching too many cliche sitcomes and Christmas movies right now. So there's that.

I spend much of my time wondering who I am.Or I suppose, the perception I have of myself, and of others to me.
Do I perceive myself in a certain way because of the muddied views of society? Or are these thoughts my own original ideas? Do I pick out my clothes everyday because it's what I like? Or in the back of my mind am I unconsciously considering what others will think? Are we beautiful because we are, genuinely, beautiful people? Or has the sense of true beauty been lost in the tabloids and the runways of airbrushed cover shots and overly-thin models?
What is real? If not my own ideas and the way I perceive life, what is?

I decided I hate technology. How effortless it makes relationships. Any sort of relationship. 

I imagine the days when adolescent girls and boys would walk a mile or two at dawn until they reached their friends house. They would stay for the day, exploring and walking to the nearest town, until it was dinner time and they would return home. 

And I imagine being courted by a boy that you had maybe just met once at the town fair. He would search for you by name until he was finally pointed in the direction of your house where he would walk to just to ask you to join him for a stroll the next afternoon. 

The idea of someone going out of their way to show some sort of interest or affection seems lost these days. It's become so easy to text or drive to someone's house that I think we become numb to the excitement of any activity that occurs. Hearing from a friend is to be expected, seeing them happens almost daily, and only a few days pass between the times of spending substantial time together. 

What happened to the days where seeing a friend or being asked on a date was the highlight of the week? And the day to day life was spent in serenity with family, just reading or mastering the arts.

I hope when I wake up in the morning, I wake up on a cot in a house, not much bigger than my apartment, and open my window to see the countryside where my closest neighbor is a 20 minute walk away.

I'm not sure how it happened, but suddenly one day turned to two, which turned to a week, and I'm here now. With nothing more to say to you than I did when we last parted. 

I think it has to do partially with the way things were left. Not on a good note, not on a bad note, but on a note where I miss your mom more than you. To be honest, I'm not sure I miss you anymore at all. 

And I think it has to do with the attention I have received from people lately who aren't you. Whether it's been well received by me or not, it gives me the faith to know that there could be another for me, if I see him fitting. 

I still think about you. Often. I still replay the words your mom and grandma left me with: 'take care of my little boy.' I wish I could've told them that I would, but I'm no liar. But like I said, I don't miss you anymore. I'm not sure I'm really familiar with who you are anymore. All I know is if the last time we were together is any indication of our future relationship, we'll be lucky to survive a friendship.

I think half the reason I miss you is because how well you understand me. I don't know if anyone will get my humor and my weirdness the way you can.

Now that I'm beginning to get past it all, the hardest part is not seeing someone who I'm so use to spending significant amounts of time with. And hearing snipets of their life from someone else. Snipets and events that I would have been the first one to know of. Now, now I'm not even thought of.

I try to remind people of who they use to be. Before they were acquainted with the politics of society, worrying about the next step and how they'll be viewed once they've gone too far to take back any decisions. I try to take them back to the simpler days when their dreams were all within reach, and that anything could one day exist if they just believed it could. 

I think we all need that. To forget about reality, even just for a moment, and let our imaginations take charge.

I wonder if at the end of the day or for meals if homeless people join together. Like, put all their money and daily earnings and get food so they can be more efficient and get more for less money.

Or maybe they don't.

I'm not sure if my stomach hurts from the alcohol, or because I'm so disgusted with myself

I don't feel like I can trust people. I feel taken advantage of. I feel like I am the only decent and honest person. But I'm still not very decent. Not lately. These past few days I've been someone I'm not familiar with. And it sucks because I was doing so well. 

This just makes me miss you more. I could trust you with anything before. 

I'm just in such a daze and I'm sad. 

I am strong.

When everything starts to rush over me again, I repeat it over and over in my head. I'm finding that because of it, I've stopped crying. Completely. I haven't cried over you since that day. 20 days ago. Two and a half weeks. The time really flies, doesn't it?
I am strong.
It's also the only reason I haven't broken down like I would've done in the past, and ask you if you still love me. Or what you're thinking and where you're at with us, and our future. Or call you just to hear your voice. Like I did that day. 20 days ago.
I am strong.
And it's how I get through each day. Just telling myself that I am strong, at least strong enough for today, gets me to tomorrow so I can tell myself the same thing. And before I know it, 20 days have passed and I don't feel so bad. The desire to cry and reach out to you desperately has lessened. And when the desire creeps up, like it tends to do, I just remind myself that I am strong.
I am strong.

Just because I've come to terms with things, doesn't make each day any less hard. I still miss you all the same. And I think about you. Every day. But I know this is time for me to become the best me that I can be, because I know it's the only way anything can ever happen for us again.
So it made me start to think about everything I've ever wanted to be. Things you told me I was, but I never believed it. And I made a list. The 6 things that I will be, and be able to believe that I am, after all this is done. I won't allow myself to even think about being with you, or anyone else for that matter, until I've achieved them all.

I am strong.
I am intelligent.
I am beautiful.
I am patient.
I am self-less.
I am bold.

I keep thinking about death. Wondering what really happens when you die.
I've come to the decision that maybe death is just like life. Everyone just has this vision of going to heaven and living peacefully with God and their dead friends, or being a ghost or whatever.
See, I think death isn't that comforting. I don't think it gets to be that easy. I think you get to where ever it is you go after all this, and you just start over. But you're starting over for the rest of time. You go to heaven, you get a job, and you get to be whatever it is you want to be. Be with whoever it is you want to be with. But there are still struggles and hardships.
How else would we be able to appreciate it all still? If you died and went to heaven and everything was perfect and you got to be with your dead spouse and your parents for the end of time, wouldn't it all get to be too much? You'd forget how special they are and how lucky you are to have them because they'd be there forever. So maybe in heaven, or where ever, we still fight and get angry. Things still get bad before they get better. But maybe we just get to be young forever and realize how great everything is and appreciate it, knowing that we have all the time in the universe to be with them.

A handful of days ago I had this moment of clarity. An epiphany if you will.
I saw this couple, maybe in their late-twenties or early-thirties. They were pregnant with their first child, and they were perfect. I was in the process of helping them buy the soon-to-be-dad his first Father's Day present and it just hit me like a speeding semi. They had everything that I have ever dreamed of having, what I've been wanting since I was a little girl. And they were just so beautiful.
Seeing them made me look at myself and evaluate where I am. I'm 19, a college student, and recently dumped. And I had been so unhappy.
I forgot how young I was. These times I have and this life I have right now, it only comes once. Prior to dating Jake, being in a relationship was the furthest thing from my mind. But I saw something in him that made me believe in it all again. Falling in love and trusting someone completely. And I did. I fell in love. And it was heartwarming. I loved knowing that he loved me, but I took it for granted. I think I'm too young and naive to really appreciate someone loving me. And I'm not sure I'm quite ready to properly show my love for someone either.
I don't have to figure things out now. I know life can be short and chances come rarely, if ever. But that doesn't mean I have to spend my life chasing something that I'm not sure is even there. Yes, sometimes life can be short, but life is also, well, a lifetime. I owe it to myself to treat it as such.

It isn't that I don't want to be your friend. Well, I guess it is that.
I want to want all these things, but I just don't. I want to be your friend, I want to find someone who can help me move on, I want to surround myself with friends who will tell me I'm better off this way, I want to be fine.
But I really don't. I don't want any of it. I don't want anything.

I'm just lost. I'm really really lost and I don't know how to get back or what to get back to.
I'm beginning to feel numb again.

Today has been hard. Harder than the usual. I keep telling myself it's fine and that it's all going to be fine, but I don't feel fine. I feel shattered. And weak. I have never been the girl to let a boy or a breakup dictate the entirety of my mood. I get over things because I am strong. I take my few days to sulk and I move on; it's the way things are. But now I feel so weak. I am weak.
I can't tell if I'm going crazy. It seems psychotic to still feel this way and to be so dramatic about it all, but not a day goes by that I don't feel like this for at least some amount of time.
Everything else is just becoming a distraction. I do whatever it is I can to get my mind off of you. While I refuse to turn to alcohol or drugs, I try to stay busy, be with people, work out. Anything. But there's always that split second in the day when my mind reverts back to you, and then I can't get you out of my head.
The way I think about you, it feels like you're dead. The memories and the way things use to be, I know it won't get back to that. And I don't want things to be like that again. I want us to grow together and build together something special. I know you aren't dead. I know you're there when I need you and open to spending time with me. I guess it's that we're dead. The "us." And it can't be resurrected.
I fear more than anything the day that you leave me behind. When you have moved on and you find someone who appreciates you the way that I should have. Because even though by then you'll be able to overcome all the issues that made you decide to change, I still believe it won't be right. Our mistakes will go away, but we'll end up with the wrong people.
I don't wanna go back to who we were, I wanna go forward being a new version of ourselves. I want us to be that couple that finds their way through this to something better. Something we both know is worth fighting for and protecting.
I don't have all the answers. I don't have any answers. I just know that I miss you.

Change.
I heard somewhere that people can change, it's just easier not to. It's simpler to stick with what you know instead of venturing off into the abyss and discovering something else about yourself; another way you can be. And while the journey to reach this change is long and hard, the feeling of reaching that unknown destination is liberating. Right?
But I'm afraid of it: the change. Whether it's the change that takes time, or the change that happens drastically, overnight, and whether it's the change that you meant to happen, or the change that occurred on its own, it's all still change. As difficult as it can be sometimes to change yourself, it's more difficult to revert back to your old self. I'm going through all these changes and I wonder if it's all what I really want. Sometimes I wish I could go back in my past and tell my former self that she was beautiful just the way she was, and to never change. But it's unrealistic, because at some point we all have to grow up. I'm just lost in the definition of what it really means to grow up.
I see people going through all the changes around me and they're different than my changes. Some become dependent on alcohol, some on the idea of reaching happiness, others on themselves. My changes and this transformation I'm trying to take myself through can't really be labeled though either. It's confusing and a mess, because I'm confusing and mess and I want it to all make sense. I want to know what my change is suppose to be and how I'm suppose to grow up.
But I know I won't find the answers until I realize one day that I already have them.

Giving someone space is one of the hardest things. I find it nearly impossible to stand idly by for someone to grow and make mistakes and move on without me. I constantly have the urge to step in and give my two cents, but it won't do any good. It'd probably just do the opposite.

This isn't good-bye

It isn't that I don't miss you. Or that I miss you any less.
And it isn't that I don't love you. Or that my love for you has faded.
It's that I'm remembering all the things that I had wanted in the first place. I got so caught up in how we were that I lost sight of the little things that should matter: being courted in the beginning of the relationship, random surprises to show your affections towards me, the willingness to sacrifice for me every now and then.
I won't settle for anything less. I can't.
It's why I decline the urge everyday to tell you I love you and I miss you. Because I'm secretly still rooting for us. But I wouldn't ever tell anyone that. Not even myself.

I've never had a nightmare before. Until this all happened. Now I have nightmares almost every night.

if i write you a novel

I wonder what chapter in the book of my life this will all be in. The chapter where I have a moment of clarity and my heart mends and I move on? The chapter that I reflect on and recall as one horrible mistake, where I lose my love? The chapter that contains the true beginning of our relationship?
I'm not sure that would make it better though, to know the outcome. Not now. The uncertainty of it all is that only thing that keeps me sane. Preparing for the fall out, but hoping for the romance. Either would be easier than what I imagine will come of this: a friendship. I know that when I see you as we try to build a friendship, that I will continue to fall in love with you, more and more everyday. Your bright blue eyes, your sincere smile, your kind heart, and your maturing soul.

What do I hope for? What chapter am I rooting for? I'm rooting for the chapter where I can look at you and smile with blissful happiness at whatever we come out of this as.

Today's the first day in the past 6 months that I haven't spoken to you at all.

God do I miss you.

I hate that this blog is just becoming about you

What I wouldn't give to have you text me, after having some sort of epiphany again, and tell me that you miss me, to come over, and you're going to try your hardest to make this work.

I don't know how my heart can be so shattered and still be beating

Day 6

I can't keep doing this. The rush of memories and thoughts of you that flood into my head on a daily basis are wounding.
I feel ready to end it all now. The pain is worse than the potential outcome.
I know that once we get past this, it could all easily be worth it in the happiness I would feel with you. The time it will take to get there though, is something I'm not sure I can handle.

Day 1

I'm trying so hard to use my words to help me get through this, but I don't have any. I can't speak a single word, and every time I try to put my thoughts to paper, I come up short. It all sounds like nonsense and I just want it to stop. The pain and the ache and the yearn I have for you. But it just won't stop

I can't eat. I doubt I'll be able to sleep. My eyes are dried out from all the tears, but I constantly feel as though I'm seconds away from waterworks.

Because I'm reading classic literature...

Dearest, these nights spent away from you drag on for miles. How I long to feel your touch again and confide in you what I dare not say twice. If I could see you, just for a moment, I would tell you of my undying love and admiration for you that fill my being in your presence.
It is because of your tender embraces. As you hover over me and wrap me in a cocoon of your warmth. I take every second to breathe in all that you are so that I may carry the reminder with me on these lonely nights.
It is because of your luminous eyes that are so seemingly eager as I approach. The way the flecks of hazel are constantly at battle with the army of blue. And in the end they each intertwine and live harmoniously as one.
It is because your soft lips habitually seek an area of my skin to press themselves against. As you gradually move from my forehead, to my lips, down to my neck, and descending further, causing my cheeks to turn a rosy pink. But never would I protest.
It is because your pale, creamy skin is in such contrast to my own. When we are side by side, I imagine our pigments mixing together, forming something that is neither mine nor yours. But is still somehow both of ours.
If only I could speak these words to you, my love. Until we meet again, I will continue to yearn for you, as always.



Well that was somewhat embarrassing. I'm glad no one reads this

My life

I cannot simply explain my life to you, and I do not care to try.
My life cannot be summed up in a matter of words. I cannot put a few paragraphs together that will take you from my infancy to the present and properly give you an overview of who I am. That is not how I see my life.
Life is not a list of all the specific events that have happened. Not explained by stories of the time I had stitches or the time I graduated or the day I moved on my own. Life is characterized by the hardships and successes we each face.
Life is about the resilience I learned when I got back up after bumping my head; it is about the dedication that it took to see out my high school education and receive a diploma; it is about the fear of leaving home and the knowledge I have gained since making a home of my own.
Do not allow your life to be summarized in a string of events. Those events are not a description of who you are. Instead, allow each moment to fill you with so much emotion that you are constantly carrying each achievement and lesson learned with you. For that will come to define you.

I wish you had more ambitions. I wish you had any ambitions

I'm stuck in this rut where I keep remembering how passionless I am

sleeptight

I read somewhere that when you're dreaming, you're incapable of making up faces. So the random faces that appear in your dreams are people you've seen before: at a restaurant, walking to class, driving beside you.
And it makes me wonder if I've ever been an extra in someone's dream

The problem with everyone's ideology on happiness is thinking that if you possess one thing, it's instantly going to make you happy. But we all seem to forget that happiness doesn't lie in having more money, a strong relationship or good grades. Happiness lies in being fulfilled in your life. It doesn't matter whether or not everything in your life is perfect or ideal, it's choosing whether or not you can be happy with what you have.
But at the same time, I feel like we don't put enough emphasis on what we do have. It's about appreciating everything that you have, but continuing to strive for something better.
Sometimes I forget to just look around and realize how fantastic everything is in my life. I wish I wouldn't.

There are so many things that I wish I could say to you. And it's not that I'm afraid to say them, it's that I'm afraid of your reaction. Because you've admitted to me before that even if I say what's on my mind and you feel it too, just hearing it makes you retract. Like maybe you're scared of what can happen, getting so close to someone. So I'm going to say what I'd like to say to you here in hopes of containing myself.
I hope you know you have my whole heart. And I know that sometimes I seem irritated with you and angry, but I am so grateful that you put up with it all. Because despite how I might act, I know losing you would shatter me.
Never have I ever been comfortable with the thought of being tied down, in a real relationship with someone, until it came down to you. I no longer have the fear of feeling displeased and bored with my life because everyday with you is an adventure. Whether we sit at your house playing Halo or we're spending a day at the park, each day is different from the last. And I know that you could make me happy regardless.
I understand that we can't spend every minute of every day together. And that we can't spend the night together every night. But it doesn't mean I don't want to.
I don't want you to just be my boyfriend, I want you to be my best friend. I don't want to feel guilty because of the amount of time I'm spending with you, my boyfriend. I want it to be okay that I spend all that time with you because you are my best friend.
And I may not be in love with you, but I sure am falling. It's the way my heart still skips a beat for you when I see your smile. The way I get butterflies when you stare into my eyes before you kiss me. The way I can effortlessly laugh with you because I'm genuinely happy. The way we can do anything together and I'm just happy to be with you.

I hope one day it won't scare you, so that I can look you in the eyes and tell you I'm so blissfully happy with you. And I wouldn't change us for the world.

What I hate about romance and love is that it's the one area of your life that's impossible to receive any sort of advice on. They can't feel what you feel and truly understand why you do what you do. They're coming from a completely detached, rational perspective, but with love that doesn't work. We're all irrational and do things we regret for the sake of love. But knowing that doesn't stop me from feeling anymore lost.