HMPH

In all honesty, I'm not really sure what this blog is turning into.
And I don't think I like it.

I've always been a fool for love. Ever since I was a little girl, I've known there isn't anything I wouldn't do to fall in love

No mas

Changing a major is depressing. It reminds me how uncertain I am about everything, even the things I thought I had all figured out. But more than anything, it scares me. It's just a slap in the face reminding me that at any given moment, something can happen that can be as subtle as the realization that I wouldn't be happy as a teacher, and it suddenly turns my world upside down. I mean, I remember being 7 years old and playing school with my sister and her friends. I'd go through the trouble of erasing old worksheets I did, make copies, and grade them once my 'class' had them completed. I had even made a roster of kids I would've wanted in my class that I knew and made a grade book with grades I thought they would receive.
But now that I have no idea what I want my future to hold, I just feel lost and confused. And sad.

Cheater

Ever since I was little I've been known to have many acquaintances and few friends. I've always found that it's easier that way. It leaves open the option to talk to numerous people without needing to get emotionally invested in each of their lives. I also thought it helped me to weed out the ones that aren't necessarily bad people, but bad friends. Because I keep my friend count so low, I like to think of it as quality over quantity. But then you surprised me, you surprised us all. The one person I thought I could rely on the most has turned out to be the ugliest person I know.
But, I'm too emotionally invested to just turn my back on you.

I hope someday that I can find someone who will love me as much as you once did.

Thanks Michael

My past few relationships have been rough. And I've identified the problem.
It seems like when we get into relationships we focus so heavily on impressing the other half of our couple, that we aren't really aware of who we're dating until at least 6 months into things. Or until it all ends. And I feel like I've been going into all these blind, thinking I know the person and things suddenly take a turn for the worst and I'm just baffled by it all.
So when I start dating the sweetest guy in the world who will do anything to make me smile, he ends up texting other girls saying he wants to break up with me. But accidentally sends them to me....
And when I start dating a shy guy with the quirkiest sense of humor, I should've known his method for breaking up with me would be to just ignore me and hope I'd disappear. But instead I decided to appear at your doorstep and tell you that you're not worth anything.
And of course, as I get involved with my best friend who knows me better than anyone else and always knows just what to say, he breaks up with my thru a text while I'm visiting my friend whom I haven't seen in 8 years. But we weren't even dating a week.

My excuse this time is that I was in Colorado and couldn't blog.... I know you all care an awful lot.

I never understood how people could fall in love with a character they saw on tv.... it just makes no sense to me.

I just don't know

We all have these sort of 'a ha!' moments, and I'm having one now.

Based on the popular tv shows and movies, and how I thought I fit into them, I thought I knew exactly what to expect from my life, romantically more than any other aspect. Because I go to a traditional college, started right after high school, am studying in a very typical field, grew up in a middle-class family, and am just all around normal, I expected, generally, the same from whoever it may be that I end up with. And I've been using that as a basis on who I would date or form an interest in.

But lately as I've been trying to branch out from what I think is normal, I realize how totally unfair I've been. Just because this has been the path that I've been fortunate enough to take doesn't mean everyone's been given the same luxury. And just because they aren't going to a 4-year university or want to be a doctor or teacher doesn't mean they aren't a good person. My dad's the best man I know and he's been working in the same steel company for the past 25 years without a college degree of any kind. I'd consider myself incredibly lucky to marry someone someday who's like my dad.

And the more I think about this.. the more I start to wonder how I got to where I am. It was never a question if I would go to college, it was just expected. I just wonder if I had been given the choice, where would I be now?

I want you to want to

Falling in love with you would be like rain on a summer Sunday afternoon,
calming and consistent, and the best reason to stay inside, watching movies all day.
Falling in love with you would be like sleeping with my cat,
comforting and familiar, and my only reason for ever staying in bed past noon.
Falling in love with you would be like returning to my childhood,
carefree and exciting, and the only time I'd ever be okay with making a fool of myself in front of everyone.
Falling in love with you would be like falling in love with my best friend,
except it wouldn't be like it, that's exactly what it would be. Being with someone I know, appreciate, trust, respect, and adore.
Falling in love with you would be the best thing I could ask for.

Dakota Skye

Imagine you threw yourself from here, all right? Your wife leaves you, your stocks bottom out. Would you rather be looking back up at the sky, no idea when the end is gonna hit? Or would you rather go face-first, aware of the moment when everything cuts to black, knowing that this second is your last?

I just get angry watching CNN

I'm not a fan of traditional religion or politics. In my opinion, people take the title of being a Democrat or Repblican or Buddhist or Presbyterian and let the title they take on become the reasoning behind their actions. Instead of focusing on what is morally just and humane, they focus on fitting into the mold and don't question the decisions they make and rely on their religion or political party to be substantial reasoning behind whatever they say.
I am an independent Christian, and I feel like it allows me to answer the questions people pose of "What party are you" or "What religious affiliation do you have" but still creates the space for me to make my own decisions and base them on who I am,
Instead of hiding behind these labels and allowing them to guide our choices, we should be making choices that can be guided through our labels.

When you're sixteen

It's weird to go back through something as personal as a blog and try to remember who you were as a person. I'm finding it difficult to remember what it was all like back then. How my mind worked, how I processed it all, how I formed some of the thoughts I would never come across now.
I've come to envy that girl. The simplicity of being 16 when my biggest concern was when I'd get my license and what I'd wear to school everyday. She had so much spare time to spend doing all the things I wish I had more time for: writing, music, friends, family.
But at the same time, as I'm approaching my 19th birthday and I look back on all the things that have happened since then and how much I've grown, I start to reject that girl. She spent so much of that time worrying about what others would think and hating herself for not fitting in, she forgot the beauty in being yourself. Instead, she became a pessimist of herself and the world around her.
I'd be lying if I claimed to be the most optimistic, confident girl who used every second of her life doing everything that she always wanted, but I can honestly say I'm much better off now than I was then.

Occupy my thoughts

We've been down this road before, and we're traveling down it again. And though I've never been afraid of love, I'm afraid of you and what you do to me.

My laptop has been in my car, which has been in the shop. I hope this explains my absence lately.
On the bright side, I took note of some of my thoughts and will proceed to type them up for the enjoyment of all of my viewers. Which is mainly comprised of a very select few in Russia. Thanks!