This isn't good-bye

It isn't that I don't miss you. Or that I miss you any less.
And it isn't that I don't love you. Or that my love for you has faded.
It's that I'm remembering all the things that I had wanted in the first place. I got so caught up in how we were that I lost sight of the little things that should matter: being courted in the beginning of the relationship, random surprises to show your affections towards me, the willingness to sacrifice for me every now and then.
I won't settle for anything less. I can't.
It's why I decline the urge everyday to tell you I love you and I miss you. Because I'm secretly still rooting for us. But I wouldn't ever tell anyone that. Not even myself.

I've never had a nightmare before. Until this all happened. Now I have nightmares almost every night.

if i write you a novel

I wonder what chapter in the book of my life this will all be in. The chapter where I have a moment of clarity and my heart mends and I move on? The chapter that I reflect on and recall as one horrible mistake, where I lose my love? The chapter that contains the true beginning of our relationship?
I'm not sure that would make it better though, to know the outcome. Not now. The uncertainty of it all is that only thing that keeps me sane. Preparing for the fall out, but hoping for the romance. Either would be easier than what I imagine will come of this: a friendship. I know that when I see you as we try to build a friendship, that I will continue to fall in love with you, more and more everyday. Your bright blue eyes, your sincere smile, your kind heart, and your maturing soul.

What do I hope for? What chapter am I rooting for? I'm rooting for the chapter where I can look at you and smile with blissful happiness at whatever we come out of this as.

Today's the first day in the past 6 months that I haven't spoken to you at all.

God do I miss you.

I hate that this blog is just becoming about you

What I wouldn't give to have you text me, after having some sort of epiphany again, and tell me that you miss me, to come over, and you're going to try your hardest to make this work.

I don't know how my heart can be so shattered and still be beating

Day 6

I can't keep doing this. The rush of memories and thoughts of you that flood into my head on a daily basis are wounding.
I feel ready to end it all now. The pain is worse than the potential outcome.
I know that once we get past this, it could all easily be worth it in the happiness I would feel with you. The time it will take to get there though, is something I'm not sure I can handle.

Day 1

I'm trying so hard to use my words to help me get through this, but I don't have any. I can't speak a single word, and every time I try to put my thoughts to paper, I come up short. It all sounds like nonsense and I just want it to stop. The pain and the ache and the yearn I have for you. But it just won't stop

I can't eat. I doubt I'll be able to sleep. My eyes are dried out from all the tears, but I constantly feel as though I'm seconds away from waterworks.