I'm not sure if my stomach hurts from the alcohol, or because I'm so disgusted with myself

I don't feel like I can trust people. I feel taken advantage of. I feel like I am the only decent and honest person. But I'm still not very decent. Not lately. These past few days I've been someone I'm not familiar with. And it sucks because I was doing so well. 

This just makes me miss you more. I could trust you with anything before. 

I'm just in such a daze and I'm sad. 

I am strong.

When everything starts to rush over me again, I repeat it over and over in my head. I'm finding that because of it, I've stopped crying. Completely. I haven't cried over you since that day. 20 days ago. Two and a half weeks. The time really flies, doesn't it?
I am strong.
It's also the only reason I haven't broken down like I would've done in the past, and ask you if you still love me. Or what you're thinking and where you're at with us, and our future. Or call you just to hear your voice. Like I did that day. 20 days ago.
I am strong.
And it's how I get through each day. Just telling myself that I am strong, at least strong enough for today, gets me to tomorrow so I can tell myself the same thing. And before I know it, 20 days have passed and I don't feel so bad. The desire to cry and reach out to you desperately has lessened. And when the desire creeps up, like it tends to do, I just remind myself that I am strong.
I am strong.

Just because I've come to terms with things, doesn't make each day any less hard. I still miss you all the same. And I think about you. Every day. But I know this is time for me to become the best me that I can be, because I know it's the only way anything can ever happen for us again.
So it made me start to think about everything I've ever wanted to be. Things you told me I was, but I never believed it. And I made a list. The 6 things that I will be, and be able to believe that I am, after all this is done. I won't allow myself to even think about being with you, or anyone else for that matter, until I've achieved them all.

I am strong.
I am intelligent.
I am beautiful.
I am patient.
I am self-less.
I am bold.

I keep thinking about death. Wondering what really happens when you die.
I've come to the decision that maybe death is just like life. Everyone just has this vision of going to heaven and living peacefully with God and their dead friends, or being a ghost or whatever.
See, I think death isn't that comforting. I don't think it gets to be that easy. I think you get to where ever it is you go after all this, and you just start over. But you're starting over for the rest of time. You go to heaven, you get a job, and you get to be whatever it is you want to be. Be with whoever it is you want to be with. But there are still struggles and hardships.
How else would we be able to appreciate it all still? If you died and went to heaven and everything was perfect and you got to be with your dead spouse and your parents for the end of time, wouldn't it all get to be too much? You'd forget how special they are and how lucky you are to have them because they'd be there forever. So maybe in heaven, or where ever, we still fight and get angry. Things still get bad before they get better. But maybe we just get to be young forever and realize how great everything is and appreciate it, knowing that we have all the time in the universe to be with them.

A handful of days ago I had this moment of clarity. An epiphany if you will.
I saw this couple, maybe in their late-twenties or early-thirties. They were pregnant with their first child, and they were perfect. I was in the process of helping them buy the soon-to-be-dad his first Father's Day present and it just hit me like a speeding semi. They had everything that I have ever dreamed of having, what I've been wanting since I was a little girl. And they were just so beautiful.
Seeing them made me look at myself and evaluate where I am. I'm 19, a college student, and recently dumped. And I had been so unhappy.
I forgot how young I was. These times I have and this life I have right now, it only comes once. Prior to dating Jake, being in a relationship was the furthest thing from my mind. But I saw something in him that made me believe in it all again. Falling in love and trusting someone completely. And I did. I fell in love. And it was heartwarming. I loved knowing that he loved me, but I took it for granted. I think I'm too young and naive to really appreciate someone loving me. And I'm not sure I'm quite ready to properly show my love for someone either.
I don't have to figure things out now. I know life can be short and chances come rarely, if ever. But that doesn't mean I have to spend my life chasing something that I'm not sure is even there. Yes, sometimes life can be short, but life is also, well, a lifetime. I owe it to myself to treat it as such.

It isn't that I don't want to be your friend. Well, I guess it is that.
I want to want all these things, but I just don't. I want to be your friend, I want to find someone who can help me move on, I want to surround myself with friends who will tell me I'm better off this way, I want to be fine.
But I really don't. I don't want any of it. I don't want anything.

I'm just lost. I'm really really lost and I don't know how to get back or what to get back to.
I'm beginning to feel numb again.

Today has been hard. Harder than the usual. I keep telling myself it's fine and that it's all going to be fine, but I don't feel fine. I feel shattered. And weak. I have never been the girl to let a boy or a breakup dictate the entirety of my mood. I get over things because I am strong. I take my few days to sulk and I move on; it's the way things are. But now I feel so weak. I am weak.
I can't tell if I'm going crazy. It seems psychotic to still feel this way and to be so dramatic about it all, but not a day goes by that I don't feel like this for at least some amount of time.
Everything else is just becoming a distraction. I do whatever it is I can to get my mind off of you. While I refuse to turn to alcohol or drugs, I try to stay busy, be with people, work out. Anything. But there's always that split second in the day when my mind reverts back to you, and then I can't get you out of my head.
The way I think about you, it feels like you're dead. The memories and the way things use to be, I know it won't get back to that. And I don't want things to be like that again. I want us to grow together and build together something special. I know you aren't dead. I know you're there when I need you and open to spending time with me. I guess it's that we're dead. The "us." And it can't be resurrected.
I fear more than anything the day that you leave me behind. When you have moved on and you find someone who appreciates you the way that I should have. Because even though by then you'll be able to overcome all the issues that made you decide to change, I still believe it won't be right. Our mistakes will go away, but we'll end up with the wrong people.
I don't wanna go back to who we were, I wanna go forward being a new version of ourselves. I want us to be that couple that finds their way through this to something better. Something we both know is worth fighting for and protecting.
I don't have all the answers. I don't have any answers. I just know that I miss you.

Change.
I heard somewhere that people can change, it's just easier not to. It's simpler to stick with what you know instead of venturing off into the abyss and discovering something else about yourself; another way you can be. And while the journey to reach this change is long and hard, the feeling of reaching that unknown destination is liberating. Right?
But I'm afraid of it: the change. Whether it's the change that takes time, or the change that happens drastically, overnight, and whether it's the change that you meant to happen, or the change that occurred on its own, it's all still change. As difficult as it can be sometimes to change yourself, it's more difficult to revert back to your old self. I'm going through all these changes and I wonder if it's all what I really want. Sometimes I wish I could go back in my past and tell my former self that she was beautiful just the way she was, and to never change. But it's unrealistic, because at some point we all have to grow up. I'm just lost in the definition of what it really means to grow up.
I see people going through all the changes around me and they're different than my changes. Some become dependent on alcohol, some on the idea of reaching happiness, others on themselves. My changes and this transformation I'm trying to take myself through can't really be labeled though either. It's confusing and a mess, because I'm confusing and mess and I want it to all make sense. I want to know what my change is suppose to be and how I'm suppose to grow up.
But I know I won't find the answers until I realize one day that I already have them.

Giving someone space is one of the hardest things. I find it nearly impossible to stand idly by for someone to grow and make mistakes and move on without me. I constantly have the urge to step in and give my two cents, but it won't do any good. It'd probably just do the opposite.