Saturday, December 29, 2012
Thursday, December 20, 2012
YOLO (Part II)
I want to stop thinking about my next step. That's all I ever do. I'm so afraid of being unprepared that I try to prepare for something that I can't anticipate. And it's wasting my time.
I'm so worried about my next move I'm not stopping to appreciate what's going on now. I'm not creating the proper present time to build my future off of. I get to the point I've been waiting for only to be ready to move onto the next thing.
I can't do it anymore. I can't keep letting times pass me by. I'm not enjoying myself anymore. These times I have with people I don't enjoy either because of that constant thought in my mind of tomorrow. But how can I enjoy tomorrow when I can't even enjoy today?
I'm making a pact right now to stop thinking about the what ifs in life and be more thankful for the what is. All that's standing in front of me now.
And as the rough patches come, I'll deal with them then. But for now I'm 19 and I've got more life inside of me now than I ever will again. There's no sense in wasting that
I'm so worried about my next move I'm not stopping to appreciate what's going on now. I'm not creating the proper present time to build my future off of. I get to the point I've been waiting for only to be ready to move onto the next thing.
I can't do it anymore. I can't keep letting times pass me by. I'm not enjoying myself anymore. These times I have with people I don't enjoy either because of that constant thought in my mind of tomorrow. But how can I enjoy tomorrow when I can't even enjoy today?
I'm making a pact right now to stop thinking about the what ifs in life and be more thankful for the what is. All that's standing in front of me now.
And as the rough patches come, I'll deal with them then. But for now I'm 19 and I've got more life inside of me now than I ever will again. There's no sense in wasting that
YOLO
I take everything for granted
Cause I'm so damn good at it
Don't think twice about my actions
I take no second looks
Never once do I take a moment
Breathe it in
I'm always waiting for the next one to begin
That's the problem these days
With my head in the clouds
I only think about tomorrow
No time to enjoy today
And I become a zombie in my body
Just waiting for a day that's never gonna come
As long as I'm waiting for what hasn't begun
Cause I'm so damn good at it
Don't think twice about my actions
I take no second looks
Never once do I take a moment
Breathe it in
I'm always waiting for the next one to begin
That's the problem these days
With my head in the clouds
I only think about tomorrow
No time to enjoy today
And I become a zombie in my body
Just waiting for a day that's never gonna come
As long as I'm waiting for what hasn't begun
Thursday, December 13, 2012
The anxiety
I'm so afraid of right now. Of everything and anything.
As finals come to a close, I'm dreading seeing my scores despite the subtle confidence I felt as I left each testing room, filled with a feeling of completion and success. I can't help but remind myself that if they didn't go as planned, as well as they should have with all luck on my side, I won't be a college student next semester. Unless you count a handful of credits at a community college.
I looked through my scholarship requirements and checked my list twice to ensure that all events had been made and all loose ends tied, but somehow I come up short. The giant words INCOMPLETE just seemed to loom in my face and mock me as though all the efforts I put into the semester have been short lived. For nothing. Without it, I'll be a ridiculously poor and overworked part-time college student spending the majority of my conscious hours at Outback waiting tables, like always.
I may have made the mistake of disclosing certain information to you which I ought not have. It may have slipped that I'm rapidly falling for you so early on, and I find myself doing it again. Becoming just a cling monster. And even though you said you felt it too, you admitted to the hesitation you had and confessed it seemed early. Because it is. But I can't help but feel the obligation to tell someone something that's on my mind that I want so desperately for them to know. And now I feel myself instantly shying away and getting beat up about seeming like a sad, lost child, clinging onto you.
I can't wait for this break. A month free of grades and the constant worrying in the back of my mind about my final outcome. A month without having to wonder if my scholarship is in jeopardy and trying to plan for the worst. And a month of casual sightings of you, merely twice a week maximum, which is bound to help end this attachment that I have to you. Or at least lessen it.
As finals come to a close, I'm dreading seeing my scores despite the subtle confidence I felt as I left each testing room, filled with a feeling of completion and success. I can't help but remind myself that if they didn't go as planned, as well as they should have with all luck on my side, I won't be a college student next semester. Unless you count a handful of credits at a community college.
I looked through my scholarship requirements and checked my list twice to ensure that all events had been made and all loose ends tied, but somehow I come up short. The giant words INCOMPLETE just seemed to loom in my face and mock me as though all the efforts I put into the semester have been short lived. For nothing. Without it, I'll be a ridiculously poor and overworked part-time college student spending the majority of my conscious hours at Outback waiting tables, like always.
I may have made the mistake of disclosing certain information to you which I ought not have. It may have slipped that I'm rapidly falling for you so early on, and I find myself doing it again. Becoming just a cling monster. And even though you said you felt it too, you admitted to the hesitation you had and confessed it seemed early. Because it is. But I can't help but feel the obligation to tell someone something that's on my mind that I want so desperately for them to know. And now I feel myself instantly shying away and getting beat up about seeming like a sad, lost child, clinging onto you.
I can't wait for this break. A month free of grades and the constant worrying in the back of my mind about my final outcome. A month without having to wonder if my scholarship is in jeopardy and trying to plan for the worst. And a month of casual sightings of you, merely twice a week maximum, which is bound to help end this attachment that I have to you. Or at least lessen it.
Sunday, December 2, 2012
I know I have issues. The problem is though that I can't figure out a solution to any of them.
I have an anger problem. The smallest things can make me angry and lash out. And even though I recognize it as it happens, I can't stop it because I know it'll all build up inside of me unless I unleash it. I just wish I knew a healthier way to let it all go.
Sometimes I feel like I'm bipolar. One second I can be angry and explode, but then five minutes later I'm calm and smiling and back to my normal self.
I latch onto guys incredibly fast. Even though it takes more than just a charmed smile to get my attention, once I'm hooked that's all that's on my mind. And I can't help it. The worst part is that I know it drives them all away but I can't do anything to stop myself from wanting it so bad.
I have an anger problem. The smallest things can make me angry and lash out. And even though I recognize it as it happens, I can't stop it because I know it'll all build up inside of me unless I unleash it. I just wish I knew a healthier way to let it all go.
Sometimes I feel like I'm bipolar. One second I can be angry and explode, but then five minutes later I'm calm and smiling and back to my normal self.
I latch onto guys incredibly fast. Even though it takes more than just a charmed smile to get my attention, once I'm hooked that's all that's on my mind. And I can't help it. The worst part is that I know it drives them all away but I can't do anything to stop myself from wanting it so bad.
Wednesday, November 28, 2012
I had forgotten what it felt like to feel like this. Blissfully happy because of one person, despite all the shit that surrounds you.
I hate when people make a relationship their everything. When they allow relationships to be the reason why they're happy or sad depending on how things are going. But what I don't mind is letting someone fill you with joy and happiness, especially as everything else starts falling apart.
And you sir, are filling me with more warmth and delight than I've known for quite a while.
SO thank you
I hate when people make a relationship their everything. When they allow relationships to be the reason why they're happy or sad depending on how things are going. But what I don't mind is letting someone fill you with joy and happiness, especially as everything else starts falling apart.
And you sir, are filling me with more warmth and delight than I've known for quite a while.
SO thank you
Monday, November 5, 2012
Sunday, November 4, 2012
dear friends,
I made three phone calls today descending in order of importance.
The first call I made was to Karissa. I can't believe she's liked me for the past week. I know she hasn't the past few days. I've spent my time lately looking out for myself and being an inconsiderate, selfish brat and it's not who I am. At all.
I'm sorry Karissa. I've been giving Ryan all my time and I've been blowing you off so I can get the D. I've been the kind of friend that no one likes, and you've deserved a better roommate. But more importantly, I thought for one second it would be okay for me to talk to Carter. Even though you said it was okay and that you guys never officially talked, I should've known it wasn't a question to ever ask. I was so caught up in the attention he gave me that I didn't even take a minute to realize how awful the situation was.
The second call I made was to Ryan. I know I've been the worst to him. What I did isn't even forgivable, but I know he'll forgive me and talk to me like an old friend and come over to hang out when invited. But that isn't the point at all. It's the fact that I acted the way I did to you without hesitation.
I'm sorry Ryan. I made it known to you from the beginning that I wasn't looking for a relationship, but that doesn't make what I did okay. Despite my intentions, I still led you on to believe that it could be in our future soon when I knew it wouldn't be. And it has nothing to do with you. I know it's so cliche to say it's not you, it's me, but it is. God, you were so sweet to me. I was just a bitch, and I'm so sincerely sorry Ryan, really.
The third call I made was to Carter. I can't believe I even thought for any period of time that 'hanging out' with you would be acceptable.
I'm sorry Carter, that I'm not sorry. You are slightly repulsive and not someone I want to affiliate with in any sort of romantic fashion. When I see you next I'll act as though you're a friend and pretend like this whole situation never happened. But really, how dare you try to make out with my face after I arrived at the party with Ryan and spent the entire night trying to get you to hook up with Karissa. Really?
The first call I made was to Karissa. I can't believe she's liked me for the past week. I know she hasn't the past few days. I've spent my time lately looking out for myself and being an inconsiderate, selfish brat and it's not who I am. At all.
I'm sorry Karissa. I've been giving Ryan all my time and I've been blowing you off so I can get the D. I've been the kind of friend that no one likes, and you've deserved a better roommate. But more importantly, I thought for one second it would be okay for me to talk to Carter. Even though you said it was okay and that you guys never officially talked, I should've known it wasn't a question to ever ask. I was so caught up in the attention he gave me that I didn't even take a minute to realize how awful the situation was.
The second call I made was to Ryan. I know I've been the worst to him. What I did isn't even forgivable, but I know he'll forgive me and talk to me like an old friend and come over to hang out when invited. But that isn't the point at all. It's the fact that I acted the way I did to you without hesitation.
I'm sorry Ryan. I made it known to you from the beginning that I wasn't looking for a relationship, but that doesn't make what I did okay. Despite my intentions, I still led you on to believe that it could be in our future soon when I knew it wouldn't be. And it has nothing to do with you. I know it's so cliche to say it's not you, it's me, but it is. God, you were so sweet to me. I was just a bitch, and I'm so sincerely sorry Ryan, really.
The third call I made was to Carter. I can't believe I even thought for any period of time that 'hanging out' with you would be acceptable.
I'm sorry Carter, that I'm not sorry. You are slightly repulsive and not someone I want to affiliate with in any sort of romantic fashion. When I see you next I'll act as though you're a friend and pretend like this whole situation never happened. But really, how dare you try to make out with my face after I arrived at the party with Ryan and spent the entire night trying to get you to hook up with Karissa. Really?
It's not that I don't feel like myself, I'm just not sure what I feel like anymore.
I'm becoming numb to so much. And I know I've said this all before, but that's because it's becoming so prominent for me to just feel lost and in a daze.
I haven't felt anything strong for anyone in a long time. I like having the comfort of someone there with me and for me, but I don't genuinely feel for anyone. It's such a crazy transformation from last year when I was so willing to go out looking for love, and now I'm rejecting it so forcefully.
And I can't stop myself.
I want to be like that again. I want to want to fall in love. I want to meet someone who makes me feel like my heart skips a beat when I see them and who takes my breath away and who is amazing. I want that instant feeling for someone where I know in the first few minutes that they're something special. And I don't intend to settle for anything less. I'm just growing impatient with all the bullshit lately.
I'm becoming numb to so much. And I know I've said this all before, but that's because it's becoming so prominent for me to just feel lost and in a daze.
I haven't felt anything strong for anyone in a long time. I like having the comfort of someone there with me and for me, but I don't genuinely feel for anyone. It's such a crazy transformation from last year when I was so willing to go out looking for love, and now I'm rejecting it so forcefully.
And I can't stop myself.
I want to be like that again. I want to want to fall in love. I want to meet someone who makes me feel like my heart skips a beat when I see them and who takes my breath away and who is amazing. I want that instant feeling for someone where I know in the first few minutes that they're something special. And I don't intend to settle for anything less. I'm just growing impatient with all the bullshit lately.
Tuesday, October 16, 2012
Saturday, October 13, 2012
The hardest part of it all is that for one miniscule moment, you made me feel like it mattered. I thought you were real and that you cared, but I realize now that you just made me feel special in hopes of having some sort of personal gain out of it all.
So I hope you had your fun and leave me the hell alone
So I hope you had your fun and leave me the hell alone
Friday, October 12, 2012
Thursday, October 11, 2012
lost in me
I don't think I could ever apologize for being who I am.
I hate playing games; they're exhausting and ridiculous and unnecessary. I'm a real person. I have feelings and flaws. Sometimes I say too much, and sometimes I don't say enough. But at the end of the day I'm not anyone else but myself. And I can't apologize for it, or change it.
So if you don't like that I'm a genuine person, it doesn't matter. Because I do.
I hate playing games; they're exhausting and ridiculous and unnecessary. I'm a real person. I have feelings and flaws. Sometimes I say too much, and sometimes I don't say enough. But at the end of the day I'm not anyone else but myself. And I can't apologize for it, or change it.
So if you don't like that I'm a genuine person, it doesn't matter. Because I do.
Monday, October 1, 2012
Friday, September 28, 2012
Tuesday, September 25, 2012
Monday, September 24, 2012
SEXSEXSEXSEX
Not for viewers who take things too seriously. Also probably not the best for a younger audience
I hate how taboo sex is. It's almost like a silent, but well known, rule that talking about sex in public is unacceptable. But why? By this age, most of us have had sex, and saying you hate sex is like saying you hate chocolate. No one really hates chocolate, and if you do, you still have some every now and then.
So I will be one of the first to come out bluntly and state the facts: I've had sex before. Not with a mountain high of different guys, but it's not my first rodeo. And I like sex. Probably as much as any person out there. And while I don't intend to ever have had sex with 30 partners or something absurd like that, but at the same time I'm not waiting around for my future husband. I stay safe, use protection, and avoid unwanted pregnancy like everyone else.
Just be honest. Having sex isn't going to kill you. I don't think anyone really these days expects to find someone who's a virgin until marriage, and if you do, I'm sorry, but you're nuts. Don't be stupid, use a rubber, make sure your friend's wearing a coat before he goes into the cave, and just get to it already.
I hate how taboo sex is. It's almost like a silent, but well known, rule that talking about sex in public is unacceptable. But why? By this age, most of us have had sex, and saying you hate sex is like saying you hate chocolate. No one really hates chocolate, and if you do, you still have some every now and then.
So I will be one of the first to come out bluntly and state the facts: I've had sex before. Not with a mountain high of different guys, but it's not my first rodeo. And I like sex. Probably as much as any person out there. And while I don't intend to ever have had sex with 30 partners or something absurd like that, but at the same time I'm not waiting around for my future husband. I stay safe, use protection, and avoid unwanted pregnancy like everyone else.
Just be honest. Having sex isn't going to kill you. I don't think anyone really these days expects to find someone who's a virgin until marriage, and if you do, I'm sorry, but you're nuts. Don't be stupid, use a rubber, make sure your friend's wearing a coat before he goes into the cave, and just get to it already.
Who really knows or cares
I've been getting so down on myself because I feel like I've lost all ambition. Without a major or any idea what I intend to do it's like I'm also without passion or drive.
But today I realized, just because I have no major or no real interests to follow, I'm still full of dreams. I want to spend a few years in life just traveling where ever, doing odd jobs to pay rent for my crappy apartments, just to experience as much as I can.
So even though I have no major and no real base to go off, I have plans and initiative to get me to where I hope to be someday.
But today I realized, just because I have no major or no real interests to follow, I'm still full of dreams. I want to spend a few years in life just traveling where ever, doing odd jobs to pay rent for my crappy apartments, just to experience as much as I can.
So even though I have no major and no real base to go off, I have plans and initiative to get me to where I hope to be someday.
put a smile on
I've never understood how people can be sad for a long period of time.
If you pretend to be happy, even when everything's going to shit, you start to feel happy and it all just seems to go away. Guaranteed.
If you pretend to be happy, even when everything's going to shit, you start to feel happy and it all just seems to go away. Guaranteed.
I'm working on me
Most of the population, including myself a majority of the time, are too passive. We don't speak our minds, or call someone out when they're wrong, or just throw in our opinions.
I know I've always been scared of being viewed as pushy or annoying or wrong. But what's so bad about that? So what if I get into an argument on a topic I care about and you think I'm pushy? Who cares if a few people begin to think my views are annoying? And aren't we all wrong at some point or another? I'd rather be seen as a little out there, than not being remembered at all.
I know I've always been scared of being viewed as pushy or annoying or wrong. But what's so bad about that? So what if I get into an argument on a topic I care about and you think I'm pushy? Who cares if a few people begin to think my views are annoying? And aren't we all wrong at some point or another? I'd rather be seen as a little out there, than not being remembered at all.
Monday, September 10, 2012
Sorry for my rant
I'm not afraid to admit that I'm afraid.
I spend so much of my time trying to decide what it is that I want to do for the rest of my life instead of just letting it happen. I thought majoring in finance would be a smart idea and I'd make money and be happy, but that's just a front. It's so I have an answer if someone asks what I'm doing with my life and I feel less lame than admitting that I'm lost.
Maybe I should retrace my steps, back to high school when I had all the time in the world and had my heart set on teaching high school English. Because lately as I've begun working with high school students entering college or high school kids in student council, it feels a little like my calling.
This is such an awful blog. I'm just lost and confused.
I spend so much of my time trying to decide what it is that I want to do for the rest of my life instead of just letting it happen. I thought majoring in finance would be a smart idea and I'd make money and be happy, but that's just a front. It's so I have an answer if someone asks what I'm doing with my life and I feel less lame than admitting that I'm lost.
Maybe I should retrace my steps, back to high school when I had all the time in the world and had my heart set on teaching high school English. Because lately as I've begun working with high school students entering college or high school kids in student council, it feels a little like my calling.
This is such an awful blog. I'm just lost and confused.
Wednesday, September 5, 2012
sad panda
I remember when I was younger how I loved being sick.
The way my voice would change and when my dad would make me soup in bed as I stayed home from school made getting sick entertaining and a nice change of pace from the norm.
But now that I'm older and sick, I'm realizing it doesn't hold the same appeal that it did for me back then. Because now I can't skip school, no one makes me soup, and my roommates just laugh at me.
The way my voice would change and when my dad would make me soup in bed as I stayed home from school made getting sick entertaining and a nice change of pace from the norm.
But now that I'm older and sick, I'm realizing it doesn't hold the same appeal that it did for me back then. Because now I can't skip school, no one makes me soup, and my roommates just laugh at me.
Sunday, September 2, 2012
Tuesday, August 21, 2012
You should know
I wanted to say I'm sorry. Not because I feel as though I've done something wrong, but because I know it's what's best.
So I'm sorry for the way it all happened. I would never intentionally do something to hurt anyone, especially not you.
I'm sorry that despite the fact that it's all been put behind us, I'm still bitter about it all. And I probably always will be.
I'm sorry that it was all for nothing. We put in years of establishing a solid friendship and it was all flushed down the drain in a matter of seconds.
But most of all, I'm sorry for how I've been, and how I'm going to continue to be. Regardless of all the apologies I have, I still don't think I've done anything wrong. And I still see no reason to pretend like it's all okay. Because it's not okay.
So I'm sorry for the way it all happened. I would never intentionally do something to hurt anyone, especially not you.
I'm sorry that despite the fact that it's all been put behind us, I'm still bitter about it all. And I probably always will be.
I'm sorry that it was all for nothing. We put in years of establishing a solid friendship and it was all flushed down the drain in a matter of seconds.
But most of all, I'm sorry for how I've been, and how I'm going to continue to be. Regardless of all the apologies I have, I still don't think I've done anything wrong. And I still see no reason to pretend like it's all okay. Because it's not okay.
Thursday, August 16, 2012
Tuesday, August 7, 2012
Psychics.... psh.
2 years ago I went to a psychic who told me I would meet the man I would marry when I was 19.
I completely forgot about that up until a week ago.
I've had this idea in my head all summer on how I wanted to change things for myself. I haven't been happy for so long because I've been spending all my time persistent on trying to find 'the one.' And then I become happiest when I'm with some guy or talking to some loser, and I come out of it shattered because I believe I'm going to find my fulfillment in one of these guys.
So I had decided I would cancel out my love life for a while. I've been trying to pursue happiness when it's been sitting in front of my this whole time: in my friends. The odds of me finding this happiness in a guy right now is slim to none, and I'm just now realizing that. I want to use this time to enjoy being young and in college and experiencing life.
And then I remembered what the psychic told me. I don't necessarily believe in it all, but what if it's true? What if I'm destined to meet my husband this year, but I just don't realize it when the time comes.
So I started to reconsider my plans, but it dawned on me.
1) Psychics are people you pay to tell you your 'fortune' because it's entertaining, not because it's something you should live by. And
2) If it's destined to be, then the person I'm going to marry will be there for me, whether I'm sitting around waiting, or enjoying my life as I rightfully should be.
Because I'm ready to just be a happy, as normal as I can get, teenager enjoying what I believe will be the best year yet.
I completely forgot about that up until a week ago.
I've had this idea in my head all summer on how I wanted to change things for myself. I haven't been happy for so long because I've been spending all my time persistent on trying to find 'the one.' And then I become happiest when I'm with some guy or talking to some loser, and I come out of it shattered because I believe I'm going to find my fulfillment in one of these guys.
So I had decided I would cancel out my love life for a while. I've been trying to pursue happiness when it's been sitting in front of my this whole time: in my friends. The odds of me finding this happiness in a guy right now is slim to none, and I'm just now realizing that. I want to use this time to enjoy being young and in college and experiencing life.
And then I remembered what the psychic told me. I don't necessarily believe in it all, but what if it's true? What if I'm destined to meet my husband this year, but I just don't realize it when the time comes.
So I started to reconsider my plans, but it dawned on me.
1) Psychics are people you pay to tell you your 'fortune' because it's entertaining, not because it's something you should live by. And
2) If it's destined to be, then the person I'm going to marry will be there for me, whether I'm sitting around waiting, or enjoying my life as I rightfully should be.
Because I'm ready to just be a happy, as normal as I can get, teenager enjoying what I believe will be the best year yet.
Monday, August 6, 2012
Saturday, August 4, 2012
Junior Cece
I'm sorry. Because I know now that telling you I liked you was a mistake. But it was on impulse.
Like an impulsive buy. When I find something that I've been searching for for so long, and I'm just so excited that I don't bother to think of the specifications, like the size, and I don't bother to try it on. And it isn't until it's too late, and I'm at home eagerly looking at it that I realize the sizing, but in the midst of the excitement I removed the tags, and there's no taking it back.
So I can't return it, and I can't undo the wrong. So I'm just left with something; a foolish mistake.
And I'm sorry.
Like an impulsive buy. When I find something that I've been searching for for so long, and I'm just so excited that I don't bother to think of the specifications, like the size, and I don't bother to try it on. And it isn't until it's too late, and I'm at home eagerly looking at it that I realize the sizing, but in the midst of the excitement I removed the tags, and there's no taking it back.
So I can't return it, and I can't undo the wrong. So I'm just left with something; a foolish mistake.
And I'm sorry.
#200
It took me 4 years to get to this point, but post 200 is quite the milestone. And for all of this, I'd like to thank you, T.O.
I'd never be doing this if it hadn't been for you. You must've known it was always for you
I'd never be doing this if it hadn't been for you. You must've known it was always for you
Thursday, August 2, 2012
You would
You know how I said I'd never go back to someone from my past?
Well, I feel like I'm being tested. Suddenly they're all coming back, and it's hard to turn down so many cute faces.
Well, I feel like I'm being tested. Suddenly they're all coming back, and it's hard to turn down so many cute faces.
2012-2013
I can feel it. I know this is the year when it's all going to come together, and it's all going to make sense.
Wednesday, August 1, 2012
Saturday, July 28, 2012
Friday, July 27, 2012
Lucidity?
As I work towards having my first lucid dream, I'm noticing all of the exercises people recommend in order to increase your chances of getting there. It's just simple stuff, like recording dreams, chanting in your head before sleep that you're going to have a lucid dream, and falling asleep remembering a prior dream and trying to continue with it on what you would like to have happened.
And then there's the reality checks.
They say during your normal day, you should check and make sure you're awake. I know it sounds weird, but it's so that when you wake up during a dream, you're able to realize you're dreaming instead of freaking out and waking up. You're suppose to be able to identify how you know you're not dreaming.
Are you aware?
Can you feel?
I just know I'm awake?
I realized though, I'm never really certain that I'm not dreaming. Unless something significant happens, I just sort of walk around in a daze. I forget things that I do. Nothing monumental, just stuff like when I put my keys in my purse, or that I already locked the doors in my car. Or as I'm driving somewhere routine, the car ride as a whole mushes together and I don't remember the journey, I just know I got to where I wanted to get to.
But that happens for everyone. Right?
And then there's the reality checks.
They say during your normal day, you should check and make sure you're awake. I know it sounds weird, but it's so that when you wake up during a dream, you're able to realize you're dreaming instead of freaking out and waking up. You're suppose to be able to identify how you know you're not dreaming.
Are you aware?
Can you feel?
I just know I'm awake?
I realized though, I'm never really certain that I'm not dreaming. Unless something significant happens, I just sort of walk around in a daze. I forget things that I do. Nothing monumental, just stuff like when I put my keys in my purse, or that I already locked the doors in my car. Or as I'm driving somewhere routine, the car ride as a whole mushes together and I don't remember the journey, I just know I got to where I wanted to get to.
But that happens for everyone. Right?
Thursday, July 26, 2012
Wednesday, July 25, 2012
Adaptation
I am forever changing. I am not the same person I was yesterday, and tomorrow I will again mutate into a slightly different version of the person I am today. And it occurs everyday, thankfully.
For I find with each small adjustment made, I become a more sound interpretation of who I truly am.
eh? eh?
For I find with each small adjustment made, I become a more sound interpretation of who I truly am.
eh? eh?
Tuesday, July 24, 2012
Awk
I can't wait until I'm not an awkward teenager anymore.
I feel like I'll make a great awkward 20 year old.
I feel like I'll make a great awkward 20 year old.
Monday, July 23, 2012
Tuesday, July 17, 2012
Young, wild, and free
Sometimes I worry about where I'm going. Or if I'm going anywhere for that matter.
But then I look in the mirror and remember I'm young, ambitious, medium cute, and a generally likable girl. I become reminded that as long as I'm working towards something, even if I don't know what, I will be given opportunities so long as I can recognize them when they come along.
But then I look in the mirror and remember I'm young, ambitious, medium cute, and a generally likable girl. I become reminded that as long as I'm working towards something, even if I don't know what, I will be given opportunities so long as I can recognize them when they come along.
Monday, July 16, 2012
I've always been a relationship person. I don't like to just do casual hook ups, and I'm willing to pass on a guy I don't think would be good for me in hopes of staying available when the right one comes along. And it's always been like that. Up until this summer.
All my relationships have ended poorly, and I end up wondering what's wrong with me. I judge other people's relationships and wonder why I'm left the way I am and they somehow manage to have this eternal glow of happiness on their faces. Not that I think that I'm any better than them, but why do I seem less deserving of romantic bliss?
I'm not sure when it was, or how it happened, but I realized the problem isn't me, it's who I become. I'm fine around guys. I'd rather hang out with my guy friends than the like, 3 gal pals I have. But once I start to form an interest in a guy and they show similar interest, I change. I become this girl who doesn't say much, hardly laughs, just wants to sit around watching movies. And who would want to date that girl for much longer than a month before just going insane.
I hate myself for that. I instinctively sabotage them all. And I'm not trying to sound all whiny and dramatic, that's not the point. My point is, if you spend all your time in a relationship avoiding doing anything that might make the other person not like you, it's going to end anyway. I believe at heart we are all wonderful people, you just can't be afraid to be you. Because if you're just you, people are going to love you for it.
And wanna get sexual.
All my relationships have ended poorly, and I end up wondering what's wrong with me. I judge other people's relationships and wonder why I'm left the way I am and they somehow manage to have this eternal glow of happiness on their faces. Not that I think that I'm any better than them, but why do I seem less deserving of romantic bliss?
I'm not sure when it was, or how it happened, but I realized the problem isn't me, it's who I become. I'm fine around guys. I'd rather hang out with my guy friends than the like, 3 gal pals I have. But once I start to form an interest in a guy and they show similar interest, I change. I become this girl who doesn't say much, hardly laughs, just wants to sit around watching movies. And who would want to date that girl for much longer than a month before just going insane.
I hate myself for that. I instinctively sabotage them all. And I'm not trying to sound all whiny and dramatic, that's not the point. My point is, if you spend all your time in a relationship avoiding doing anything that might make the other person not like you, it's going to end anyway. I believe at heart we are all wonderful people, you just can't be afraid to be you. Because if you're just you, people are going to love you for it.
And wanna get sexual.
My Introduction
Hi there, I'm Cece.
I don't wear a lot of makeup, my clothes rarely match, my average get ready time is maybe 10 minutes.
I haven't dyed my hair since high school, I'd rather paint my nails black or white than anything else, and I like my hair best in a bun on the top of my head.
I hate lying because it makes me feel cheap, I feel most comfortable wearing a shirt meant for little boys and a comfy pair of shorts, and I've never counted my calorie intake.
I have more fun with my dad than anyone else, I like spending time alone, I hate first dates, and dating in general.
I say what's on my mind because I hate wasting time, I feel awkward wearing jewelry, and I can't walk in heels.
I can't remember a time when I've been more myself, and I'm happy just being naturally me.
I don't wear a lot of makeup, my clothes rarely match, my average get ready time is maybe 10 minutes.
I haven't dyed my hair since high school, I'd rather paint my nails black or white than anything else, and I like my hair best in a bun on the top of my head.
I hate lying because it makes me feel cheap, I feel most comfortable wearing a shirt meant for little boys and a comfy pair of shorts, and I've never counted my calorie intake.
I have more fun with my dad than anyone else, I like spending time alone, I hate first dates, and dating in general.
I say what's on my mind because I hate wasting time, I feel awkward wearing jewelry, and I can't walk in heels.
I can't remember a time when I've been more myself, and I'm happy just being naturally me.
Thursday, July 12, 2012
Silly silly Cece
If I could go back 5 years and teach myself all the things I know now, I can't even imagine how well off I'd be
Too often we don't all say what we feel, and that's the problem. We lie to save feelings, to please people, to be perceived differently. But for what? To play nice to people we don't like so they think we're just the bee's knees?
If we were all just honest with everyone, especially ourselves, maybe we'd be leading happier lives.
If we were all just honest with everyone, especially ourselves, maybe we'd be leading happier lives.
Door #1?
I seem to have lost my way, but forgive me.
I'm trying to find my calling,
but no one seems to be answering.
And the longer I knock,
the more silenced each thud becomes.
It slowly feels as though
my long sought out response
will never arrive.
I'm trying to find my calling,
but no one seems to be answering.
And the longer I knock,
the more silenced each thud becomes.
It slowly feels as though
my long sought out response
will never arrive.
I'm looking to the future
After a certain amount of time, I get tired of getting played. So I'm learning to play the game.
And I hope for their own sake, that a guy from my past doesn't try to weasel his way back into my heart. Because I will fuck your shit up, bro.
And I hope for their own sake, that a guy from my past doesn't try to weasel his way back into my heart. Because I will fuck your shit up, bro.
Wednesday, July 11, 2012
Tuesday, July 10, 2012
What am I doing? Seriously
We all seem to lose our way at some point or another. We end up on a path we had never expected to see ourselves on, and it's not until we're too far down the path to turn around, that we notice the change of scenery.
And so, here I stand. In unfamiliar territory. Too far gone to turn around, but not yet far enough in to know how it all looks on the other side. Once I'm out.
To be honest, I'm scared shitless. I've got no idea what I'm doing, where I'm going. If this is all just going to be remembered as a small hiccup in my life or a catastrophic moment of misjudgment and failure. But I'm hoping that as I trek further down the path, I'll catch glimpses of the exit, and slowly things will become clearer until I find my way back.
And so, here I stand. In unfamiliar territory. Too far gone to turn around, but not yet far enough in to know how it all looks on the other side. Once I'm out.
To be honest, I'm scared shitless. I've got no idea what I'm doing, where I'm going. If this is all just going to be remembered as a small hiccup in my life or a catastrophic moment of misjudgment and failure. But I'm hoping that as I trek further down the path, I'll catch glimpses of the exit, and slowly things will become clearer until I find my way back.
Friday, June 29, 2012
HMPH
In all honesty, I'm not really sure what this blog is turning into.
And I don't think I like it.
And I don't think I like it.
Wednesday, June 27, 2012
No mas
Changing a major is depressing. It reminds me how uncertain I am about everything, even the things I thought I had all figured out. But more than anything, it scares me. It's just a slap in the face reminding me that at any given moment, something can happen that can be as subtle as the realization that I wouldn't be happy as a teacher, and it suddenly turns my world upside down. I mean, I remember being 7 years old and playing school with my sister and her friends. I'd go through the trouble of erasing old worksheets I did, make copies, and grade them once my 'class' had them completed. I had even made a roster of kids I would've wanted in my class that I knew and made a grade book with grades I thought they would receive.
But now that I have no idea what I want my future to hold, I just feel lost and confused. And sad.
But now that I have no idea what I want my future to hold, I just feel lost and confused. And sad.
Tuesday, June 26, 2012
Cheater
Ever since I was little I've been known to have many acquaintances and few friends. I've always found that it's easier that way. It leaves open the option to talk to numerous people without needing to get emotionally invested in each of their lives. I also thought it helped me to weed out the ones that aren't necessarily bad people, but bad friends. Because I keep my friend count so low, I like to think of it as quality over quantity. But then you surprised me, you surprised us all. The one person I thought I could rely on the most has turned out to be the ugliest person I know.
But, I'm too emotionally invested to just turn my back on you.
But, I'm too emotionally invested to just turn my back on you.
Friday, June 22, 2012
Thanks Michael
My past few relationships have been rough. And I've identified the problem.
It seems like when we get into relationships we focus so heavily on impressing the other half of our couple, that we aren't really aware of who we're dating until at least 6 months into things. Or until it all ends. And I feel like I've been going into all these blind, thinking I know the person and things suddenly take a turn for the worst and I'm just baffled by it all.
So when I start dating the sweetest guy in the world who will do anything to make me smile, he ends up texting other girls saying he wants to break up with me. But accidentally sends them to me....
And when I start dating a shy guy with the quirkiest sense of humor, I should've known his method for breaking up with me would be to just ignore me and hope I'd disappear. But instead I decided to appear at your doorstep and tell you that you're not worth anything.
And of course, as I get involved with my best friend who knows me better than anyone else and always knows just what to say, he breaks up with my thru a text while I'm visiting my friend whom I haven't seen in 8 years. But we weren't even dating a week.
It seems like when we get into relationships we focus so heavily on impressing the other half of our couple, that we aren't really aware of who we're dating until at least 6 months into things. Or until it all ends. And I feel like I've been going into all these blind, thinking I know the person and things suddenly take a turn for the worst and I'm just baffled by it all.
So when I start dating the sweetest guy in the world who will do anything to make me smile, he ends up texting other girls saying he wants to break up with me. But accidentally sends them to me....
And when I start dating a shy guy with the quirkiest sense of humor, I should've known his method for breaking up with me would be to just ignore me and hope I'd disappear. But instead I decided to appear at your doorstep and tell you that you're not worth anything.
And of course, as I get involved with my best friend who knows me better than anyone else and always knows just what to say, he breaks up with my thru a text while I'm visiting my friend whom I haven't seen in 8 years. But we weren't even dating a week.
Thursday, June 21, 2012
Thursday, June 14, 2012
I just don't know
We all have these sort of 'a ha!' moments, and I'm having one now.
Based on the popular tv shows and movies, and how I thought I fit into them, I thought I knew exactly what to expect from my life, romantically more than any other aspect. Because I go to a traditional college, started right after high school, am studying in a very typical field, grew up in a middle-class family, and am just all around normal, I expected, generally, the same from whoever it may be that I end up with. And I've been using that as a basis on who I would date or form an interest in.
But lately as I've been trying to branch out from what I think is normal, I realize how totally unfair I've been. Just because this has been the path that I've been fortunate enough to take doesn't mean everyone's been given the same luxury. And just because they aren't going to a 4-year university or want to be a doctor or teacher doesn't mean they aren't a good person. My dad's the best man I know and he's been working in the same steel company for the past 25 years without a college degree of any kind. I'd consider myself incredibly lucky to marry someone someday who's like my dad.
And the more I think about this.. the more I start to wonder how I got to where I am. It was never a question if I would go to college, it was just expected. I just wonder if I had been given the choice, where would I be now?
Saturday, June 9, 2012
I want you to want to
Falling in love with you would be like rain on a summer Sunday afternoon,
calming and consistent, and the best reason to stay inside, watching movies all day.
Falling in love with you would be like sleeping with my cat,
comforting and familiar, and my only reason for ever staying in bed past noon.
Falling in love with you would be like returning to my childhood,
carefree and exciting, and the only time I'd ever be okay with making a fool of myself in front of everyone.
Falling in love with you would be like falling in love with my best friend,
except it wouldn't be like it, that's exactly what it would be. Being with someone I know, appreciate, trust, respect, and adore.
Falling in love with you would be the best thing I could ask for.
calming and consistent, and the best reason to stay inside, watching movies all day.
Falling in love with you would be like sleeping with my cat,
comforting and familiar, and my only reason for ever staying in bed past noon.
Falling in love with you would be like returning to my childhood,
carefree and exciting, and the only time I'd ever be okay with making a fool of myself in front of everyone.
Falling in love with you would be like falling in love with my best friend,
except it wouldn't be like it, that's exactly what it would be. Being with someone I know, appreciate, trust, respect, and adore.
Falling in love with you would be the best thing I could ask for.
Thursday, June 7, 2012
Dakota Skye
Imagine you threw yourself from here, all right? Your wife leaves you, your stocks bottom out. Would you rather be looking back up at the sky, no idea when the end is gonna hit? Or would you rather go face-first, aware of the moment when everything cuts to black, knowing that this second is your last?
I just get angry watching CNN
I'm not a fan of traditional religion or politics. In my opinion, people take the title of being a Democrat or Repblican or Buddhist or Presbyterian and let the title they take on become the reasoning behind their actions. Instead of focusing on what is morally just and humane, they focus on fitting into the mold and don't question the decisions they make and rely on their religion or political party to be substantial reasoning behind whatever they say.
I am an independent Christian, and I feel like it allows me to answer the questions people pose of "What party are you" or "What religious affiliation do you have" but still creates the space for me to make my own decisions and base them on who I am,
Instead of hiding behind these labels and allowing them to guide our choices, we should be making choices that can be guided through our labels.
I am an independent Christian, and I feel like it allows me to answer the questions people pose of "What party are you" or "What religious affiliation do you have" but still creates the space for me to make my own decisions and base them on who I am,
Instead of hiding behind these labels and allowing them to guide our choices, we should be making choices that can be guided through our labels.
When you're sixteen
It's weird to go back through something as personal as a blog and try to remember who you were as a person. I'm finding it difficult to remember what it was all like back then. How my mind worked, how I processed it all, how I formed some of the thoughts I would never come across now.
I've come to envy that girl. The simplicity of being 16 when my biggest concern was when I'd get my license and what I'd wear to school everyday. She had so much spare time to spend doing all the things I wish I had more time for: writing, music, friends, family.
But at the same time, as I'm approaching my 19th birthday and I look back on all the things that have happened since then and how much I've grown, I start to reject that girl. She spent so much of that time worrying about what others would think and hating herself for not fitting in, she forgot the beauty in being yourself. Instead, she became a pessimist of herself and the world around her.
I'd be lying if I claimed to be the most optimistic, confident girl who used every second of her life doing everything that she always wanted, but I can honestly say I'm much better off now than I was then.
I've come to envy that girl. The simplicity of being 16 when my biggest concern was when I'd get my license and what I'd wear to school everyday. She had so much spare time to spend doing all the things I wish I had more time for: writing, music, friends, family.
But at the same time, as I'm approaching my 19th birthday and I look back on all the things that have happened since then and how much I've grown, I start to reject that girl. She spent so much of that time worrying about what others would think and hating herself for not fitting in, she forgot the beauty in being yourself. Instead, she became a pessimist of herself and the world around her.
I'd be lying if I claimed to be the most optimistic, confident girl who used every second of her life doing everything that she always wanted, but I can honestly say I'm much better off now than I was then.
Occupy my thoughts
We've been down this road before, and we're traveling down it again. And though I've never been afraid of love, I'm afraid of you and what you do to me.
Monday, May 28, 2012
Last night I had a dream.
It was my grandma in her wheelchair, except she was more like her old self. Somehow she had gotten help and she could eat better on her own and laugh like I remember and look at me like she knew exactly who I was. So we laughed together and I looked at her as both our eyes filled with tears and I told her how much I had missed her. And before she could say anything in return I woke up crying.
It was the first time in my entire life I'd ever woken up from a dream because I'd been crying. And I'm just not sure what I'm suppose to take from it.
It was my grandma in her wheelchair, except she was more like her old self. Somehow she had gotten help and she could eat better on her own and laugh like I remember and look at me like she knew exactly who I was. So we laughed together and I looked at her as both our eyes filled with tears and I told her how much I had missed her. And before she could say anything in return I woke up crying.
It was the first time in my entire life I'd ever woken up from a dream because I'd been crying. And I'm just not sure what I'm suppose to take from it.
Friday, May 25, 2012
Teen Titans always win
I find myself in a house I'm unfamiliar with, out in the middle of woods that very well could come straight from a horror film.
But watching cartoons I remember from when I was a kid comforts me instantly. And I'm suddenly less scared.
But watching cartoons I remember from when I was a kid comforts me instantly. And I'm suddenly less scared.
Tuesday, May 22, 2012
The season of the june bug(s)
Your incessant clicking and ticking drives me wild. I see you, with your hard shell and crooked legs as you attach yourself to my screen door.
From the outside going in, I dread you being there. I run and fend you off as you all fall to the ground and all around me as I rush inside late at night.
But once I'm safely inside, I mock you. I laugh at your stupidity as I flick you off the door and watch you drop to the ground, motionless for a few seconds until you fly back up and stick your legs back into the holes of the screen. And all I think is, laugh, flick, and repeat.
From the outside going in, I dread you being there. I run and fend you off as you all fall to the ground and all around me as I rush inside late at night.
But once I'm safely inside, I mock you. I laugh at your stupidity as I flick you off the door and watch you drop to the ground, motionless for a few seconds until you fly back up and stick your legs back into the holes of the screen. And all I think is, laugh, flick, and repeat.
Monday, May 21, 2012
Mondays
Some days, hours will pass while I look out the window.
I watch the trees as they sway in the wind, the rabbits as they come out from their hiding spots, and the bees as they buzz from flower to flower to collect the nectar for their colony.
And once these hours pass and the trees stop swaying, the rabbits disappear, the bees buzz away, I look forward to the time in my life when I can retire to the swing on my porch for days on end to witness nature at work.
I watch the trees as they sway in the wind, the rabbits as they come out from their hiding spots, and the bees as they buzz from flower to flower to collect the nectar for their colony.
And once these hours pass and the trees stop swaying, the rabbits disappear, the bees buzz away, I look forward to the time in my life when I can retire to the swing on my porch for days on end to witness nature at work.
Friday, May 18, 2012
Just a catnap
If I could dream about anything
I'd dream about you.
I'd dream of the way you look
when you anxiously smile.
How I long to see you
because it's been awhile.
I'd dream of your shirts,
how I love to wear them,
and just being with you,
my most precious gem.
And when I would awake from my sleep
to look to my side,
I'd see you laying there
looking at me, eyes happy and wide.
I'd dream about you.
I'd dream of the way you look
when you anxiously smile.
How I long to see you
because it's been awhile.
I'd dream of your shirts,
how I love to wear them,
and just being with you,
my most precious gem.
And when I would awake from my sleep
to look to my side,
I'd see you laying there
looking at me, eyes happy and wide.
Summer blues
I had anticipated more from my summer.
I expected to spend my days exploring the city or sitting poolside. But that's the funny thing about summer.
You spend your time building the anticipation for when it will come, and as it arrives you remember that most summer days are merely spent looking out the window, wishing you had any idea what to do.
I expected to spend my days exploring the city or sitting poolside. But that's the funny thing about summer.
You spend your time building the anticipation for when it will come, and as it arrives you remember that most summer days are merely spent looking out the window, wishing you had any idea what to do.
Dang....
I've never thought of myself as a person who kids are attracted to. Up until this past year my experience with kids has been minimal, and I just assumed I would always be average with children, especially not as liked by them as my sister. So today, when I left my family's house and a little boy was sad to not receive a hug from me, of course I went over to hug him with a smile on my face twice the size of his. And the fact he wasn't interested in hugging my sister was just a nice addition.
While I was at college... my cat changed
It's easy to forget that while you're gone things change. We preserve this image in our mind of the way things were before we left, and that's what we always think of. Then, upon returning, we're shocked to find that things have changed. We spend so much of our time looking back and enjoying the memories that we have, we forget that life is always being altered and changing, whether we're there to witness it or not.
Tuesday, May 15, 2012
Wednesday, May 9, 2012
Cool gun collection
I'd like to go hunting one day. Except I can't bear the thought of actually shooting a gun to kill something, and see the life drain out of its eyes until it's motionless and lifeless. Just so I can say I did it.
Pink cheeks
I say all these things about living my life and letting love find its way to me, but I know that's not me. I'm too cheesy and full of cliches to not run after love and put everything on the line for it.
Tuesday, May 8, 2012
Norwich Terrier
Whenever I get reincarnated, I'll choose to be a dog.
I can't imagine any better way of spending my days than
running around the yard,
laying all over the house,
and eating.
I can't imagine any better way of spending my days than
running around the yard,
laying all over the house,
and eating.
Oh Bosley
I notice my cat likes to sit on the dresser near the window,
stand on his hind legs,
and stare into the world.
It makes me feel at ease as though he's protecting me.
And then I hear him make his weird sound,
his hunting sound,
and I realize all he's doing is bird watching.
So I'm left a little less at ease.
stand on his hind legs,
and stare into the world.
It makes me feel at ease as though he's protecting me.
And then I hear him make his weird sound,
his hunting sound,
and I realize all he's doing is bird watching.
So I'm left a little less at ease.
My favorite topic
Sometimes I think I take you for granted.
Because you're always there, even in your bad moods.
I found this from May 2009. Just that short bit.
It stands well on its own
I found this from May 2009. Just that short bit.
It stands well on its own
Monday, May 7, 2012
Thank you How I Met Your Mother
When I was younger I visioned myself in the fairy tale relationship. I had assumed I would find 'the one' in high school or in college and we'd acquire this mass of pictures to show off at our wedding of us at numerous dances, and we'd have crazy stories to tell our children of all the shenanigans we pulled. I guess what I never thought of though was the way my life has truly panned out.
I know I'm not old by any means, but I'm getting older with every year. I'm at the point in my life where I've passed some of the monumental possibilities that I had imagined with my future husband, like pictures from prom. I'll never attend another prom in my life, and seeing as I went solo to both of mine, there will never be those embarrassing pictures to show at the wedding of my husband and I at our prom together.
But the more I think about it now, the more I realize how unrealistic that vision was. The likelihood of marrying your high school sweetheart is minimal, especially if you're like me and didn't have a high school sweetheart to potentially marry at all. I picture my future, and rather than seeing some faceless man and I getting engaged before college is over and having children by the time I'm 23 (like the 10-year old me thought), I see endless possibilities with my life. I see myself studying abroad, moving anywhere I want to, living in crappy 1 bedroom apartments being a teacher in the middle of who cares. And somewhere down the road, as I'm living my life the way that makes me happiest, there might be a man who fits into my life perfectly. I mean, I was being so unfair to myself before, thinking that I should miss out on opportunities just to be with someone who may or may not exist instead of just living my life and leaving the rest of it to fate.
I guess my point of this whole jumbled mess of thoughts is a reminder to myself that not everything has to happen tomorrow, or next month, or even next year. And maybe the reason I haven't found what I'm looking for is because of that: I'm looking for it. If it's not suppose to happen yet there's nothing I can do to speed along the process except wait for things to progress as they need to, and just enjoy the ride.
I know I'm not old by any means, but I'm getting older with every year. I'm at the point in my life where I've passed some of the monumental possibilities that I had imagined with my future husband, like pictures from prom. I'll never attend another prom in my life, and seeing as I went solo to both of mine, there will never be those embarrassing pictures to show at the wedding of my husband and I at our prom together.
But the more I think about it now, the more I realize how unrealistic that vision was. The likelihood of marrying your high school sweetheart is minimal, especially if you're like me and didn't have a high school sweetheart to potentially marry at all. I picture my future, and rather than seeing some faceless man and I getting engaged before college is over and having children by the time I'm 23 (like the 10-year old me thought), I see endless possibilities with my life. I see myself studying abroad, moving anywhere I want to, living in crappy 1 bedroom apartments being a teacher in the middle of who cares. And somewhere down the road, as I'm living my life the way that makes me happiest, there might be a man who fits into my life perfectly. I mean, I was being so unfair to myself before, thinking that I should miss out on opportunities just to be with someone who may or may not exist instead of just living my life and leaving the rest of it to fate.
I guess my point of this whole jumbled mess of thoughts is a reminder to myself that not everything has to happen tomorrow, or next month, or even next year. And maybe the reason I haven't found what I'm looking for is because of that: I'm looking for it. If it's not suppose to happen yet there's nothing I can do to speed along the process except wait for things to progress as they need to, and just enjoy the ride.
Saturday, May 5, 2012
Who I am hates who I've been
For so long I desperately wanted to figure out who I was and what I wanted from life and what it wanted from me. But I realize the only thing that stood in the way of discovering myself was me. I took more of my time trying to conform to what I thought everyone wanted me to be instead of just listening to the cries deep inside myself, which I know sounds cliche. But I've found now that I listen to myself above anyone else, I am a much happier and stronger person than I thought I could be. And even though I still don't know what I want out of life, I know I'm closer to figuring it out than ever before.
Tuesday, May 1, 2012
I have it figured out
There will be a day
when I return to you
and you will find me
completely changed
and new
when I return to you
and you will find me
completely changed
and new
Monday, April 30, 2012
Alone in my room
Sometimes, when I know no one's around and I can feel my pants slipping down, revealing a less than desired body part in the back,
I just let it stay as is. After all, I don't get the opportunity often.
I just let it stay as is. After all, I don't get the opportunity often.
Sunday, April 29, 2012
Bret
I wish I could tell you all the things that swim in my mind when I think of you.
I would tell you how much I hate you because what you did was wrong, and you knew it was, but you did it anyway. The way things changed so drastically between us should've been my first hint that things were going to end poorly, but I cast it aside. I had done nothing wrong. I didn't text you all day long, didn't pester to see you all the time, didn't think twice when you wouldn't kiss me when I left in the morning, and never questioned why you blew off our plans more than once. My heart broke every time you made me feel like I was less than worthy of being with you. And it still does.
I would tell you how unfair to me you were. I still can't believe you let me sit there waiting for a response from you. I waited 4 days and it all went unanswered: the texts, the calls. For all I had known you died that weekend, and in my eyes you did. You became dead to me. And the fact that you have the nerve to speak to me a month after the ordeal with an apology explaining that I'm 'a beautiful person' and you're 'sorry [you] weren't ready for us.' I don't need an apology, what I needed was an explanation a month ago, not now.
I would tell you that I think about you more often than I should. Because you cross my mind more than once a day, usually with me wondering what you're doing or how you are or where we would be at if we were still together. It's impossible for me to shake what it was like when it first began because it was exactly what I had imagined it to be. And more. Your friends accepted me instantly and we walked around the course with your dog like we were our own little family and it all fit seemingly perfect together.
And I would tell you that if I was given the chance to make you pay for all that you did to me, I wouldn't. I'm not capable of being spiteful, or vengeful, or holding a grudge. I instead choose to hold my head high and stay strong because I'm too good for that. Just like I'm too good for you.
I would tell you how much I hate you because what you did was wrong, and you knew it was, but you did it anyway. The way things changed so drastically between us should've been my first hint that things were going to end poorly, but I cast it aside. I had done nothing wrong. I didn't text you all day long, didn't pester to see you all the time, didn't think twice when you wouldn't kiss me when I left in the morning, and never questioned why you blew off our plans more than once. My heart broke every time you made me feel like I was less than worthy of being with you. And it still does.
I would tell you how unfair to me you were. I still can't believe you let me sit there waiting for a response from you. I waited 4 days and it all went unanswered: the texts, the calls. For all I had known you died that weekend, and in my eyes you did. You became dead to me. And the fact that you have the nerve to speak to me a month after the ordeal with an apology explaining that I'm 'a beautiful person' and you're 'sorry [you] weren't ready for us.' I don't need an apology, what I needed was an explanation a month ago, not now.
I would tell you that I think about you more often than I should. Because you cross my mind more than once a day, usually with me wondering what you're doing or how you are or where we would be at if we were still together. It's impossible for me to shake what it was like when it first began because it was exactly what I had imagined it to be. And more. Your friends accepted me instantly and we walked around the course with your dog like we were our own little family and it all fit seemingly perfect together.
And I would tell you that if I was given the chance to make you pay for all that you did to me, I wouldn't. I'm not capable of being spiteful, or vengeful, or holding a grudge. I instead choose to hold my head high and stay strong because I'm too good for that. Just like I'm too good for you.
Friday, April 27, 2012
Hitch
I have a very simple face. I don't posses any features that are dominant to make a person say, "Oh yeah, the girl with the light eyes against her tan skin" or "the girl with the dramatic eyebrows." I am simply the girl with the dark, almond eyes and normal eyebrows.
There is nothing about my body figure to be said that will make me stand out from any other girl. I don't have big boobs or strong arms. Maybe a backside that sticks out more than most, but not in a ridiculous fashion. For I am as normally shaped as they come.
I accept the fact that I am a simple girl at first glance. I lack features that would cause someone to distinctly remember me based on a sole feature in my face or the way I am shaped. But with that being said, I don't think it takes away from the beauty that I have. Because I would much rather be a girl with many little features that all work well together, than the girl who has gorgeous eyes to distract away from the rest of her.
There is nothing about my body figure to be said that will make me stand out from any other girl. I don't have big boobs or strong arms. Maybe a backside that sticks out more than most, but not in a ridiculous fashion. For I am as normally shaped as they come.
I accept the fact that I am a simple girl at first glance. I lack features that would cause someone to distinctly remember me based on a sole feature in my face or the way I am shaped. But with that being said, I don't think it takes away from the beauty that I have. Because I would much rather be a girl with many little features that all work well together, than the girl who has gorgeous eyes to distract away from the rest of her.
Thursday, April 26, 2012
'You'll be more than invited to the wedding Cheech.'
People always said, "In college you meet your true friends, your lifelong friends." And of course, I didn't believe it. I always thought, "Well I've got some awesome friends now, right here. How in the world would these not be my lifelong friends?" But I see it now.
Going to college consumes so much time, and the time you aren't spending going to class or studying, you don't instantly think of staying in contact with your old friends. You go out into the college and meet people there. Because in college you have thousands of people to choose from to ensure they're really your friend, instead of the few hundred that you had picked from in high school.
So while I'm definitely not saying that in high school you won't meet great people, but I can already say from my freshman year of college, that I've made some friends here that care for me as a person more than anyone else I know.
Going to college consumes so much time, and the time you aren't spending going to class or studying, you don't instantly think of staying in contact with your old friends. You go out into the college and meet people there. Because in college you have thousands of people to choose from to ensure they're really your friend, instead of the few hundred that you had picked from in high school.
So while I'm definitely not saying that in high school you won't meet great people, but I can already say from my freshman year of college, that I've made some friends here that care for me as a person more than anyone else I know.
Wednesday, April 25, 2012
Let's fall in love
10 minutes late, like always. I know this time Frank’s not going to accept it. I’ll walk into the office and he’ll give me that look, the Frank look. The look that says, “Nathan, I expect more from the vice-president of the company. Were you ready for the promotion? Maybe instead I’ll give it to Mandy, Mandy with the exceptional experience and the nice rack to go along with it.” But I can’t always help it. New York’s a busy city to navigate through, and it doesn’t help when your neighbor knocks on your apartment door 5 minutes before you need to leave, complaining about everything and nothing. I bet I could think up some excuse again, he’d buy it. The subway malfunctioned this morning, or there was an accident on 8th and, “Ah shit! I’m so sorry, here let me grab that for you. I can’t apologize enough…. Have a good day. I’M SORRY MISS!”
God she was beautiful. Her smile was instant and apologetic though she had nothing to apologize for. And as she bent down to pick up her dropped bag and its contents, her beautiful blonde curls fell over her shoulder as each strand carelessly whipped through the wind. A complexion so flawless I’d expect nothing less from an angel. An angel in that white lace dress that hit her thighs so effortlessly. Maybe I should’ve given her my number, or asked for her name, something as an identifier so that one day I can find her again. But then again that’s why they have the missed connections section on Craigslist, right?! So that guys like me can find beautiful angels like her again. It’ll have to say something witty like, “A fallen angel in a white lace dress.” That’ll catch her attention, especially if I add “Man, again!? I’m sorry miss, I didn’t mean to bump into you. It’s just one of those days, ya know? I’ve been running into girls all over the place today. Here’s your scarf, it’s lovely…. Okay, bye. Once again, I’M SO SORRY!”
I feel as though cupid has just struck me with an arrow, for never have I seen such a beautiful woman as the one I just saw. The way her short, brunette bob framed her face so beautifully makes me hopeful that there exists love for a man like me.
God she was beautiful. Her smile was instant and apologetic though she had nothing to apologize for. And as she bent down to pick up her dropped bag and its contents, her beautiful blonde curls fell over her shoulder as each strand carelessly whipped through the wind. A complexion so flawless I’d expect nothing less from an angel. An angel in that white lace dress that hit her thighs so effortlessly. Maybe I should’ve given her my number, or asked for her name, something as an identifier so that one day I can find her again. But then again that’s why they have the missed connections section on Craigslist, right?! So that guys like me can find beautiful angels like her again. It’ll have to say something witty like, “A fallen angel in a white lace dress.” That’ll catch her attention, especially if I add “Man, again!? I’m sorry miss, I didn’t mean to bump into you. It’s just one of those days, ya know? I’ve been running into girls all over the place today. Here’s your scarf, it’s lovely…. Okay, bye. Once again, I’M SO SORRY!”
I feel as though cupid has just struck me with an arrow, for never have I seen such a beautiful woman as the one I just saw. The way her short, brunette bob framed her face so beautifully makes me hopeful that there exists love for a man like me.
Monday, April 23, 2012
1940s
I have this crazy theory:
Decades ago, there was someone who lived a life quite similar to yours. They attended a college just like the one you currently do, had a job in the same field as you, had parents who were as indescribable as yours, and had a social life comparable to the one you have.
So as we ran today, and observed the brick walls and run down track, and guessed it had been there for some time, that's what I thought of. A pair of friends like you and I, who ran around that track decades ago.
Saturday, April 21, 2012
Thank you
I want you to know, even if we don't speak, and we're miles apart, your happiness makes me happy. Because your smile radiates through your photographs, and like rays of sunlight, I soak it all in and enjoy it. So thank you.
Where's the Remote?
You're welcome
for everything I gave you,
though I know,
you will never say thank you.
for everything I gave you,
though I know,
you will never say thank you.
Thursday, April 19, 2012
In the dining hall
I do not eat meat and poultry.
I am lactose intolerant.
Eggs make me sick.
If the texture is weird,
it does not enter my mouth.
Basically, I am left with
fish and pasta.
For every meal,
of every day.
I am lactose intolerant.
Eggs make me sick.
If the texture is weird,
it does not enter my mouth.
Basically, I am left with
fish and pasta.
For every meal,
of every day.
Wednesday, April 18, 2012
7.1
Math is like life.
Universality: for no matter where you go around the world, the concept of math is the same. A number 2 still has the same value whether it's spelled different or looks different, for life has the same value whether the person lives in another country, has a different tone of skin, or an unfamiliar culture.
Simplicity: I often find that the hardest math problems just need a second glance. When I take a step back, breathe, and reanalyze my work I quickly find the solution and continue on. In life, when it seems like no matter what you do you will always be stuck where you are, just slow things down and look at your problem again. You'll find the solution to your toughest dilemma is staring you in the face.
And Impartial: Math does not judge. It doesn't care who you are, because no matter what, the problem and solution will remain the same. And each person has to figure out how to get to the end on their own. Life will not give you an easier route if you are a better person. None of us are created better than another, so we are all given obstacles to overcome, and we are all expecting to find our own solutions to our problems.
Universality: for no matter where you go around the world, the concept of math is the same. A number 2 still has the same value whether it's spelled different or looks different, for life has the same value whether the person lives in another country, has a different tone of skin, or an unfamiliar culture.
Simplicity: I often find that the hardest math problems just need a second glance. When I take a step back, breathe, and reanalyze my work I quickly find the solution and continue on. In life, when it seems like no matter what you do you will always be stuck where you are, just slow things down and look at your problem again. You'll find the solution to your toughest dilemma is staring you in the face.
And Impartial: Math does not judge. It doesn't care who you are, because no matter what, the problem and solution will remain the same. And each person has to figure out how to get to the end on their own. Life will not give you an easier route if you are a better person. None of us are created better than another, so we are all given obstacles to overcome, and we are all expecting to find our own solutions to our problems.
Tuesday, April 17, 2012
Hobble along
Nothing was ever official.
No titles were given,
no boundaries set,
no rules to bide by.
But still,
you were mine,
and I was yours.
And in the scheme of things,
that's what counts.
No titles were given,
no boundaries set,
no rules to bide by.
But still,
you were mine,
and I was yours.
And in the scheme of things,
that's what counts.
It's a horrowshow
Let's pretend, that I am a girl, and you are a boy. That you love me, and I love you. And the only thing that separates our love is distance. 385.2 miles of distance if we're being exact, from my town to yours. And let's pretend that even though our love is strong and binding, that distance becomes our downfall. And I want you to pretend one last time: pretend that was the end of us, that we have each now gone our own ways, and the lives we lived of being in love was so long ago, it seems almost like another life.
You can pretend, but I can't.
Because I know it to be a fact that I am a girl, and you are a boy. That you loved me, and I loved you. And distance stood between us, and it was our downfall. And now my messages are sent to you, and they remain unanswered, or if they are, with little emotion or attention.
The girl you once loved remembers it all. She still has all the emails you sent, saved in their own special folder. She has your words bookmarked on her computer so that she may go back to those times and remind herself it was all real. And she has the picture you drew for her pinned to her desk so that every time she glances up when times get rough, there is something to make her smile and carry on.
For I will remember you, the boy, for as long as I live. And I will remember you for all that I loved you to be.
You can pretend, but I can't.
Because I know it to be a fact that I am a girl, and you are a boy. That you loved me, and I loved you. And distance stood between us, and it was our downfall. And now my messages are sent to you, and they remain unanswered, or if they are, with little emotion or attention.
The girl you once loved remembers it all. She still has all the emails you sent, saved in their own special folder. She has your words bookmarked on her computer so that she may go back to those times and remind herself it was all real. And she has the picture you drew for her pinned to her desk so that every time she glances up when times get rough, there is something to make her smile and carry on.
For I will remember you, the boy, for as long as I live. And I will remember you for all that I loved you to be.
Due tomorrow
My eyes are dry
by way of the wind,
for it whips around
to dry the tears
that I have shed.
by way of the wind,
for it whips around
to dry the tears
that I have shed.
Monday, April 16, 2012
If I fail
I've noticed I like crying. Not because I'm always sad, or angry, or hurt. But because it's the best way I know to relieve myself of all the stresses in life.
So I break down and cry,
for no real reason.
And once I finish, I get back up, straighten myself out, and proceed with my day with no further interruptions.
So I break down and cry,
for no real reason.
And once I finish, I get back up, straighten myself out, and proceed with my day with no further interruptions.
Bright lights
I look into the world,
with innocent eyes.
Because,
to me,
I feel like judging a world
I hardly know,
is an unfair act.
with innocent eyes.
Because,
to me,
I feel like judging a world
I hardly know,
is an unfair act.
Time flies when you grow up
I read through these all and wish I could rewind back. I'd be right in the middle of it all if I could just go back 3 years. It feels like it's been so much longer than that. It feels like centuries ago. Lately all I can think about is your smile,
and your laugh,
and the way we use to be. But I guess we were just two kids in love.
It was love, wasn't it? And I wonder what had happened.
Maybe I did something, or maybe it just wasn't cool anymore. To be in college with a little girl like me trailing behind you.
If I was like that again, the way I was 3 years ago, would you have come back?
Would you have fallen back in love with me, and have asked me to follow you to college, instead of rejected it?
I got in. I got a few scholarships even. It was an option. Except it wasn't.
Because you wouldn't have wanted me there. And I would've gone for you.
To which I know you would ask me why. And all I can say is,
I miss you, and I think about you all the time now. And because I could still love you the way I did then, if it was still an option.
and your laugh,
and the way we use to be. But I guess we were just two kids in love.
It was love, wasn't it? And I wonder what had happened.
Maybe I did something, or maybe it just wasn't cool anymore. To be in college with a little girl like me trailing behind you.
If I was like that again, the way I was 3 years ago, would you have come back?
Would you have fallen back in love with me, and have asked me to follow you to college, instead of rejected it?
I got in. I got a few scholarships even. It was an option. Except it wasn't.
Because you wouldn't have wanted me there. And I would've gone for you.
To which I know you would ask me why. And all I can say is,
I miss you, and I think about you all the time now. And because I could still love you the way I did then, if it was still an option.
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