I've noticed if I have my phone charging next to me when I sleep, I can't remember my dreams.
But if it's just sitting there, not charging, I remember them just fine.
Weird, right?

Lucidity?

As I work towards having my first lucid dream, I'm noticing all of the exercises people recommend in order to increase your chances of getting there. It's just simple stuff, like recording dreams, chanting in your head before sleep that you're going to have a lucid dream, and falling asleep remembering a prior dream and trying to continue with it on what you would like to have happened.
And then there's the reality checks.
They say during your normal day, you should check and make sure you're awake. I know it sounds weird, but it's so that when you wake up during a dream, you're able to realize you're dreaming instead of freaking out and waking up. You're suppose to be able to identify how you know you're not dreaming.
Are you aware?
Can you feel?
I just know I'm awake?
I realized though, I'm never really certain that I'm not dreaming. Unless something significant happens, I just sort of walk around in a daze. I forget things that I do. Nothing monumental, just stuff like when I put my keys in my purse, or that I already locked the doors in my car. Or as I'm driving somewhere routine, the car ride as a whole mushes together and I don't remember the journey, I just know I got to where I wanted to get to.
But that happens for everyone. Right?

I miss who you were. But I don't think I would like who you've been

I'm desperate to master the art of lucid dreaming.

Adaptation

I am forever changing. I am not the same person I was yesterday, and tomorrow I will again mutate into a slightly different version of the person I am today. And it occurs everyday, thankfully.
For I find with each small adjustment made, I become a more sound interpretation of who I truly am.

eh? eh?

Awk

I can't wait until I'm not an awkward teenager anymore.
I feel like I'll make a great awkward 20 year old.

And this time, the hiatus was because I was busy enriching the lives of soon-to-be college freshman.

Young, wild, and free

Sometimes I worry about where I'm going. Or if I'm going anywhere for that matter.
But then I look in the mirror and remember I'm young, ambitious, medium cute, and a generally likable girl. I become reminded that as long as I'm working towards something, even if I don't know what, I will be given opportunities so long as I can recognize them when they come along.

I've always been a relationship person. I don't like to just do casual hook ups, and I'm willing to pass on a guy I don't think would be good for me in hopes of staying available when the right one comes along. And it's always been like that. Up until this summer.
All my relationships have ended poorly, and I end up wondering what's wrong with me. I judge other people's relationships and wonder why I'm left the way I am and they somehow manage to have this eternal glow of happiness on their faces. Not that I think that I'm any better than them, but why do I seem less deserving of romantic bliss?
I'm not sure when it was, or how it happened, but I realized the problem isn't me, it's who I become. I'm fine around guys. I'd rather hang out with my guy friends than the like, 3 gal pals I have. But once I start to form an interest in a guy and they show similar interest, I change. I become this girl who doesn't say much, hardly laughs, just wants to sit around watching movies. And who would want to date that girl for much longer than a month before just going insane.
I hate myself for that. I instinctively sabotage them all. And I'm not trying to sound all whiny and dramatic, that's not the point. My point is, if you spend all your time in a relationship avoiding doing anything that might make the other person not like you, it's going to end anyway. I believe at heart we are all wonderful people, you just can't be afraid to be you. Because if you're just you, people are going to love you for it.
And wanna get sexual.

I want to start an online diary one day. Just so I can easily look back on and it laugh at my petty 18 year old problems.

My Introduction

Hi there, I'm Cece.
I don't wear a lot of makeup, my clothes rarely match, my average get ready time is maybe 10 minutes.
I haven't dyed my hair since high school, I'd rather paint my nails black or white than anything else, and I like my hair best in a bun on the top of my head.
I hate lying because it makes me feel cheap, I feel most comfortable wearing a shirt meant for little boys and a comfy pair of shorts, and I've never counted my calorie intake.
I have more fun with my dad than anyone else, I like spending time alone, I hate first dates, and dating in general.
I say what's on my mind because I hate wasting time, I feel awkward wearing jewelry, and I can't walk in heels.
I can't remember a time when I've been more myself, and I'm happy just being naturally me.

Silly silly Cece

If I could go back 5 years and teach myself all the things I know now, I can't even imagine how well off I'd be

Too often we don't all say what we feel, and that's the problem. We lie to save feelings, to please people, to be perceived differently. But for what? To play nice to people we don't like so they think we're just the bee's knees?
If we were all just honest with everyone, especially ourselves, maybe we'd be leading happier lives.

Door #1?

I seem to have lost my way, but forgive me.
I'm trying to find my calling,
but no one seems to be answering.
And the longer I knock,
the more silenced each thud becomes.
It slowly feels as though
my long sought out response
will never arrive.

I'm looking to the future

After a certain amount of time, I get tired of getting played. So I'm learning to play the game.
And I hope for their own sake, that a guy from my past doesn't try to weasel his way back into my heart. Because I will fuck your shit up, bro.

My biggest fear is wasting time, because I you can never get that back. I feel as though my life for the past year has been for nothing, and I don't know when it's all going to start to matter. I'm waiting for the day when I'll stop wasting my life and start doing something meaningful.

What am I doing? Seriously

We all seem to lose our way at some point or another. We end up on a path we had never expected to see ourselves on, and it's not until we're too far down the path to turn around, that we notice the change of scenery.
And so, here I stand. In unfamiliar territory. Too far gone to turn around, but not yet far enough in to know how it all looks on the other side. Once I'm out.
To be honest, I'm scared shitless. I've got no idea what I'm doing, where I'm going. If this is all just going to be remembered as a small hiccup in my life or a catastrophic moment of misjudgment and failure. But I'm hoping that as I trek further down the path, I'll catch glimpses of the exit, and slowly things will become clearer until I find my way back.

Time flies when you're busy...