It's difficult, learning to be alone. One day you're walking arm in arm and everything seems in place, and the next day you're learning to walk alone. It makes me miss the feeling of being wanted. Of having someone in my life who made me feel like they had their hand extended toward me, waiting for me to link my arm in theirs.
But I suppose I'm not alone or unwanted. I still have friends, the best of friends, who would fight for me friendship and be by my side when the times are tough. And yet, as wanted and surrounded as I may seem, there is still a sense of loneliness. A missing piece.
So maybe it's not that we find it difficult to learn to be alone, because we're never really alone. Maybe the difficult part is accepting the change and absence of what we're used to.

I love to watch movies of places I want to go, things I want to do, meeting the type of people I want to know.

It reminds me how young I am and how many opportunities I still have. My future is completely my own, and I cannot express the excitement I have to one day explore my options.

I never get so angry that I have nothing to say. I always have something to say. And it's usually snarky, and sarcastic, and defensive. But it's words. There are always words. 

And yet I am so angry that the words aren't coming to my head or out of my mouth so I'm just gawking. And rambling. And the words aren't coming. No real words with real meaning. Just displaced, repetitive, completely unnecessary rambling.

And that's all I have to say really. 

When did it stop being "cool" to be a good person? Nowadays people get more praise for making a nasty, rude, and degrading comment than they do for giving a compliment and carrying out a generous deed.

What happened to people treating others decently, not for their own benefit, but because it's a human right to be treated decent? Good deeds rarely go unnoticed in this era because people are more interested in advertising their actions on Twitter or Instagram than actually doing something charitable or kind.

How did we as a human race become so selfish? When will a day come when we do something thoughtful just for the sake of fellow man? Will a day ever come when we stop the monotonous slandering and realize efforts spent on hatred are cowardice and pathetic?

Why do we insist on fretting over the things we can't change? Worrying about the things that have already happened? Regretting the things that are left in our past?
Rather than focusing on our future, it's like we're programmed to worry about our past.We end up spending so much time, reliving our past and waiting for the future when we can move on, that we forget to live in a way that will allow us to grow and prosper as individuals. Every day, every minute, every second we spend stuck in the past is an opportunity we are missing out on for the future.
So stop it. Stop thinking about what you would have done and questioning the way things could have panned out if you had done such and such different. And most importantly, stop blaming yourself for any mishaps that might have occurred. If you put in half the amount of effort to make the best out of each day as you do looking back on the "what ifs," you might find yourself at a better place now that you had ever been before.

My positive outlook: I can't feel much worse than I do now, so it all has to go up from here. Right?

I've never been stood up before, so I guess there's a first time for everything. 

It's most difficult because you didn't say anything. There were no clues or indications that you gave me. It all seemed okay. And then you didn't respond, you left me waiting, and it's not okay. 

So I'm glad that our 4-year long friendship led to this. God you're an ass.

It's hard to see day to day the changes that we go through. I often times look in the mirror and see the same girl I was years ago and forget all of the triumphs I have had. It isn't until we're faced with a difficult decision that we have the chance to see how much we have truly grown.
A year ago, or even a few months ago, any form of rejection crushed me. It was impossible for me to manage to obtain a positive outlook when something negative affected me. I know it's something most of us do, and it's reasonable. It's a let down to know that something you've worked for and anticipated just isn't going to happen.
But this time around, I've chosen a positive outlook. I've decided that while one opportunity may not be suited for me right now, it doesn't mean there won't be another one to come along. The timing could be bad, the opportunity not properly fitting, or I'll stumble upon something better in the near future.
There is no such thing as a positive or negative situation, only positive or negative outlooks.

As the year draws to an end, I'm drawn to reflection. Thinking back on everything that has happened this year, and how much everything has changed since this time one year ago.
So instinctively, he begins to cross my mind.
It's strange to think that one year ago, almost exactly, we began to date. How different things were back then, and yet, they weren't.
It was before I had to leave school for a semester, before my life began to revolve around him.
And though I know you're thinking I'm going to break down any second and confess my undying love and wish I could return to this time last year and do everything differently, I wouldn't. I wouldn't find a way to stay in school without that break, and I wouldn't have done anything different about our relationship.
I'm sick of always having to reflect on bad situations in only a negative light. Reflecting and wishing for an altered outcome does no good; there's no going back and changing the past. So instead I've chosen to look and recall the lessons these circumstances have taught me and move on from them with more insight.
The break I took from school wasn't a choice, and yet today it's exactly what I would have chosen for myself. My leaving from school and being forced to consider all of my options to work had and return or take my loss and quit college altogether showed me how much I need this education, and how much I love it. Sitting around the house waiting for the hours at my mediocre job to happen so that I can make a subpar salary with my indifferent boyfriend is never how I would want my life to end up.
And that speaks volumes of him as well. His life encompassed mediocrity, and yet he was content. Knowing that there was the option for him to go to school, free I might add, and make something of himself, he chose the road he was already walking; one with no security and nowhere to go. I would never want that for anyone, let alone him or myself.

So I reflect back on this time a year ago, and the time since with determination. I thought my life was full of happiness then, only to see that I was blinded by a pretty face with a carefree attitude. But I can see now that even with the stresses of classes, the pressure to find a boyfriend, and the struggle of balancing school and work and a social life, I've reached bliss. I know that I am on the right path because regardless of all of the adversity I come to face, I'm never unhappy. Without him and without leaving school, I would have never known how happy I could be, in comparison to how miserable I was.