I like my men sexy and agressive.
OWOW.
Take control.



Hahahahaha. ily

Just a worthless mess.
While days are spent with vacant eyes
and an empty mind.
No thoughts being processed
no words truly spoke
no laugh whole-hearted
no soul recognizably present.
Simply a body.
A thoughtless
silent
lifeless
expressionless
worthless mess of a body.

It's a shame..

I hate having to question if there's any hope for humanity.
It seems that people are constantly dehumanized, and others are driven by greed therefore, dehumanizing those less than them.
Like one person is less than another.. less human than another.. less righted to a life than another.

Son of a bitches took your shoes too!?

I dreamt a dream last night of myself and my father involved in a Mexican Mafia.
I hope no one has to live the way I did in that hour.

Pick a nose

I can't really understand why it's such a bad thing to pick your nose..
I'm so use to just seeing my dad or my grandpa freely dig on in and clean out their nostrils, and then in public with I try and rub my nose in hopes of solving the same problem with a little more ettiquette,
it's just repulsive to everyone.

Suck a cock.

I should've known better.. with a girl like you..

I feel like I'm stuck in this same dreary rut, and I'm just dragging you down with me.
It probably doesn't help that you're emotional and sarcastic and that I'm bitchy and indecisive.
I know it doesn't help.
But maybe instead of trying to clash the two personalities to get out of this rut, if we just work seperately.. then we'll find our own means of escape and meet each other on the outside brinks..

PissPissSHITPiss

I've always wanted to ask a guy this, but I never have.
So I'm not sure if this only goes for me,
but whenever I take a crap, I always pee throughout it.
So the question that I have is:
if that happens for guys, do you just constantly stand up and squat back down?

I figure, just for the sake of you, I'll continue on...

Espanol?

I hate the feeling of walking into class
and sitting down in my seat
and it's warm.
I just hate the thought of knowing
that someone else's ass was radiating so much heat
that it makes my ass warm.

It's the most awkward thing ever.

Serenity

I think with time I'll eventually mature.
One day I'll look back at the me that I am right now
and I'll wonder things.
Why I'm such a freak
Why I have to rebel just to be rebellious
Why I put some things before others.
But for right now everything makes sense.
Everything fits
Everything has its place
and it all feels good.

Cough, cough...?

I hate getting sick.
My nose gets all stuffed up
my head hurts
and I don't sound like me.

Kindness please?

My faith in humanity is dwindling.
Since when was it so difficult to hold open the damn door?

Argue. Grrr

The point of making a list of 'pros' and 'cons'
is to weigh the options of both.
Whether something is good,
or whether it's bad.
So making a 'pros' and 'cons' list for you
would just be silly
because I already know you're good.

Stolen candy

I'm always wanting him to be the kid that I adore. The way he is when it's so incredibly easy to love him. The way it is when we can laugh at everything and I feel like every other second it's necessary to remind him how much I care for him and miss him. The way that makes it all so easy.
But I guess that's not love right?
Because I guess love is accepting the little things that don't always make it perfect, and focusing on the bigger things. Like how he just makes me feel so in place when I'm with him.
I guess it's just something for me to work on;
and for you, I'm willing.

Bensonn

Sometimes I put myself in awkward situations, just to be in them.
Like I choose to take the PSAT
at some school that I don't attend
because I want to
and I wanna see what's gonna happen
with me surrounded by people I've never met before
in an environment I'm unfamiliar with.

Your water broke!?

Wanna know what I really want?
I want to find a comedic show, one that's ridiculously funny
but it be completely and totally improv.
I want them to play little improv games
and be really hysterical.
And maybe you'll tell me to watch 'Whose Line is it Anyway?'
which will cause me to repeat the whole fact that
I want it to be funny.

Suck One

I constantly get scolded
so it only seems fitting you'd get angry
that I'm not a very good blogger.

Time travel

I was thinking about time travel the other day and I was wondering
"Is it really possible?"
And I'm thinking long term travel here folks. Alright?
Like let's say there's a 25-year old man who travels into the future, and he's there for about 5 years.
So when he returns to his proper time, he's aged 5 years, looking and feeling like he's 30, but with the time and the years, he should only be 25.
Then, when the guy eventually dies, he's dying an 85 year old man, but on his tombstone it would read that he was only 80.

Freaky, right?

Dumb fuck

I feel really stupid waiting
for your name to reappear.
Because I know it won't.
At least not tonight...

At heart I'm an asshole.
It's just that no one wants to believe it.

Run

I forgot what day it was today.
And it wasn't like thinking that it was Sunday
when it's Monday.
No.

It was more like me thinking how excited I was to go to track meets
and that I might visit my old middle school.
Until I realized it's fall,
not spring.

Nimrod.

Stalk. Creep.

I like being in a car at night
especially in the side areas of the city
with the houses. Neighborhoods.
Because I love getting to drive by
and merely looking at each individual house
just so I can see if people are home or not,
and if they are
where inside they're at
based on what lights are on.

For whatever reason
it eases my heart.

Gag Gag Gag

I think I'm in love.
And I know that I'm young
and being a tad bit crazy but
I think I'm in love.
And I know that it's possible
that I don't know what I'm talking about but
I think I'm in love.
And I know that I haven't met
so many people and there's still so much to live but
I think I'm in love.

Hello future me

I feel weird. Being at try-outs and seeing 20 freshman girls, lined up behind me, and looking up to me.
Because then I remember; that was me not too long ago. Timid. New. Unexperienced. Just 2 years ago. And in 2 years from now, it'll be me looking back at how I am this very second. 2 years away. That'll be me not too har down the road. Braver. Older. More experienced.
And it makes me wonder what I'm gonna take out of this time that I'm living right now.
I can't really answer it, but I just know I wanna make that me proud. And not just the me 2 years away, but the ones that's 20 years away, and 50 years away.

09-16

As my 'Golden Birthday' slowly approaches
I see even less of a reason
to celebrate a day
as silly as
growing old.

Ew

It's so annoying when people type with every other letter capitalized and symbols in place of letters.
Know what I mean?
So I'm thinking,
In the time it takes me to type 'You're a fucking dumbass' three times, you'll still be finishing up on:
!M 5o H00D.

I think more in the perspective of the 'big picture',
or I like to believe so anyway.
Sure. I think it'd be cool to have this monstrous house,
with a wrap around porch,
and a wooden swing set,
and a big bold yellow door,
but those details aren't necessary.

All that's really needed is you.
That's it.

Sorry friend.

Sometimes I just get so disappointed
and I don't know why.

I think I just like getting angry.
It makes life easy.

Back and forth.

I hate packing. Everything about it.
I hate the worrying the whole while that I'm forgetting something,
something incredibly important that'll cost you something for forgetting it.
I hate the feeling of breaking routine and entering a new place and a world
unlike the one I'm use to and having to get use to the new routine,
only to return back to the old ones just days later.
I hate having to break off plans or put things aside until I get back
from where ever it may be that I'm going to.
I hate not knowing exactly what it is that I'll be doing when I get
to this place, and not sure if I should bring my book or the swimsuit
and unsure of how much time I'll be allowed to myself.

But above all else,
I hate having to shove everything into one little space,
and then each day if I want to wear something,
take it out of the bag,
and before coming back,
putting everything back into the bag,
just so I can unpack once I get back to point A.

Hey you. In the womb!

ATTENTION!! ATTENTION!!

If your parents are named
Doug and Tina,
you're bound to be fucked up.
Sorry.

An Ode to T.O.

I think with each day it gets harder. Not just emotionally, but physically too. It's so hard knowing that there's someone out there who's so perfect for you, and who you're perfect for, but you can't have them. Not really.
You get quick glimpses of them from time to time, and often you get a reminder. A reminder that's kinda like a little memory whiff of something so far away.
A whiff of that certain aroma they had, or a whiff of the way that you felt being carried around like you were some esteemed prize, or a whiff of the way your lips pressed together and how soft they were after each departure of contact.
And sometimes I guess it all catches up faster than I anticipated. Because I'm suddenly overwhelmed with a glimpse and a reminder and a whiff. And it all comes crashing down on me. Even though I'm filled with so much joy of getting that feeling, my eyes are welling up and I can't speak and I become light-headed and the only thing I'm really capable of doing is forming a ball with my body for a fraction of time until I'm hit with reality again.



Then I remember that it's ok
that you'll be around again
and that soon my glimpses,
reminders,
whiffs
will be something more.
Something real.

Soon!

I hate feeling as though I have an obligation to someone.
And maybe it's kinda rude to point out a particular group of someones,
but I'm talking about family.
I compare family to the group of kids who you've been going to school with since kindergarten.
You've known them since forever, so it's rude to ignore them if you ever see them around,
so simply out of kindness, you always have to stop and say hello,
if you ever see them out and about.
You ask those questions, the stupid questions like,
How's life?
What have you been up to?
And at the end of the talk you have to say
Well, I'll call you sometime soon!
or one of those
See you soon!
But you both know you don't what the meeting to happen again.
At least, not for a while, because it's just awkward.

More than anything though, it makes me feel kinda sad.
I can't help but feeling awkward with everyone.
Even those old kindergarten friends,
who know me and love me
just like family.

Brat Pack

I try to be
the best person for me
but sometimes I just end up
as a b-r-a-t.

Blind.

I wonder what you see
when you look at me.
I'll tell you what I see.
I see someone without any drive.
Someone who's too lazy to really care.
Someone who isn't quite good enough
for someone as amazing as you.

I like necessarily.

I imagine that one day, my procrastination will cost me.
That although I'm late, and can still do things today
maybe one day it won't be so.
And I'm not necessarily talking about an opportunity,
but I could be,
but more than that, a person.
What if I procrastinate at getting to know someone?
If I figure that they'll still be there tomorrow,
so I just never take the time to chat with them.
Then one day
POOF.
They're gone.
And I missed out on more than an opportunity,
I missed out on a person.
Getting to know a spectacular person.

Do you really?

Meet me:
I'm a worrisome, self-concious person.
I claim things that aren't mine.
I'm the most pessimistic optimist you'll know.
Sometimes I mope, just so I can feel bad.
I pretend certain things to get what I want.

And somehow, people still like me.

Dear readers,

I'm bored as fuck.
My summer sucks.
And I'm posting now.

Blah sucka.

Tubing :D

My eyes are bloodshot.
I have elbow burn.
My hair feels disgusting.
My throats a bit sore.
And my heart still pounds at the thought of it.

But man, it was worth it.

Shalalalala

Days like this are the best.
The kind where there's really nothing to do,
and the thing I look forward to most
is just getting to wash my hair.

Butt fetish? Say what?

The sound of your cute
hushed
laughter through the phone
at things that I thought
no one
besides me would ever laugh at,
makes me incredibly happy.

Gas

I made a decision, and it goes as follows:
One day when I get a car, I'm going to go to the gas station, and fill that sucker up.
And I'm going to fill it up with $19.99 worth.
So as I'm giving the guy my $20 bill, he'll look at me strangely, and possibly ask
'Why?'
And I'll just shrug, put my penny in one of those charity cups right in front of his face,
and leave.

Hey? Shut up

Often times, I think my views on everything are childish
and make me seem dumb, like I don't know anything.
And then I remember, that I am childish
and I don't know anything.
So I guess it's just fitting.

My dreams came true

I already told you this, but I thought it could make a good blog.

I use to wake up on those days, so excited to play.
Because from the second that I awoke,
I could nearly smell that dirt
and feel that wind blowing in the helmet
as I ran, and kept on running.
So today as I woke up, expecting that excitment,
that same excitment that once overcame me
every game morning
I was a little confused, as to why it didn't overcome me
today of all days. My first game in weeks.
And then I realized, it's because of you.
Nothing could ever compare to the excitment that I felt
on that unforgettable weekend.
So this game? It's nothing really.
It's just a mere flicker of light
in the bright room you elluminate
that takes up a big chunk
of my life.

J Squared

Is it humanly possible to be happy all the time?
Or are you just really good at acting..?

Debbie Downer

I like moping around.
It makes me feel like if I give it all my attention, constantly..
that I'll forget what I'm moping about.

Well... is she pretty?

I think
maybe
I should
start
living up
to
all this
hype
you've made
about
me.

Just your average, ordinary, me.

I've always wondered
Am I distinguishable?
Or am I just some Average Joe?

Could you tell if it was me walking down the street?
Or do you find yourself constantly confusing one back of the head, for my back of the head?

Am I the only me you've seen?
Or are there many of me out there?

Is there any trait that sticks out about me?
Or does it all just kinda blend and mesh in together?

Have you met someone with my same eyes? laugh? smile?
Or am I the only one with those certain characteristics that match mine.

I've always wondered
Am I distinguishable?

Spelling errors. Beware.

I like the feeling of you.
And yes, numerous of these are about you.
But it's only because you make a spectacular, you.

The feeling of you around me is so magnificent
I don't think I could do the feeling any justice
merely by sitting here trying to type it out.
So I vote that you scadadal on over here
and I can show you that feeling
first-hand.

Ca-peeche?

Quiero?

I think sometimes we confused what we want
with what we need.
Wait, scratch out think, I know.

Like right now, a taquito sounds incredibly yummy.
But I won't go as far to say that that's a need,
because that my friend,
is just a want. A small want.

On the other hand, there's you.
And I can't really tell if I need you
or I just desperately want you.

But this can't be very healthy.

Epic fail

There's a sort of pressure that you feel when you get told that you're
'a leader.'
That people are looking up to you and looking for
'a rolemodel.'
And if you mess up this opportunity you've been given you just become
'a big mistake.'

I miss you so

Where did it go?
Where did all of the motivation
the love
and the heart in the world.
Where did it all go?
Because I'm looking out
with eyes of open-ness
and innocence.
But I think I'm the only one.

Big fat liar? Obviously, that's me.

You know that feeling you get
right down in the pit of your gut?
The one that makes you feeling like
puking,
crying,
and screaming
all at the same time?
The same one that makes me wonder
'What exactly is God trying to do?
Because life surely isn't worth this.'

And you wonder why?
I sure don't.

you

I don't like pain.
I don't like crying.
I don't like being called a liar.
I don't like people cursing at me.
I don't like that look people give me.
I don't like being yelled at.
I don't like getting blamed.

And I certainly
don't
like
you

Booo.

I always get the feeling of being inadequate.
Because apparently my cruddy poetry is cheating.
And even when I cheat, it still doesn't turn out right.
And the only decent melody I can make
is one with words from some other song.

So tell me
how is it
that your mind works?
Because I like it.

Obsessed with death much?

I've been wondering lately
'what happens after you die?'
Not so much about what happens in the afterlife,
but what happens with the memory of a person after everyone they once knew dies.
Does your soul just slowly wither away like your body once did?
I mean, maybe no one currently knows, but there could've once been a Luba Mikpoli living in this world, but no one would know, because no one remembers him.
He could very well just be a figment of my imagination, but I do know for sure
that I don't wanna be like Mr.Mikopoli.
I want my soul to forever be a part of this world.

Sorry girl..

I think people always take for granted what they have,
until they realize how lucky they are.
I'm not saying you always have to lose it;
going along with the all popular
'You don't know what you got til it's gone.'
But more a comparison in the mind,
or even with real, legit, experience.
So yeah, maybe you were right,
maybe I am just a big brat
who doesn't realize anything good
and always wants something more
and takes everything for granted.

Or maybe
you were just a pessimistic shitbag
who settled for less
than they deserved.

Chicken shit.

I'm not too sure when
or how
I'll die
I just know
it can't happen
yet
because I haven't
gotten to
fully
experience
you

I'm not too sure

If I were to fall
would you come along?
Because without you
I don't know right from wrong.
I need you like I need
the air that I breathe.
In and out
with a heavy heave.
And sometimes I wonder
if I'm really thinking this through
Are you right for me
and am I right for you?
So as each day passes
I pull down the masses
And my hope for you
dies away.

Bum much?

I think in life you always look forward to days like today
until they actually happen
and you then just wish
they didn't exist.
The kind of days where you're just too lazy to do a single thing
and everything just seems
like it's too much
work.
It's almost like you can't even sleep
without becoming tired
of sleeping.
And you feel almost as if
you could die at that very instant
and the world wouldn't be interuppted at all
and maybe you'd finally have some
peace.

Dang.

I'm envious of everyone
for one stupid reason
or another.

I don't think God will accept me in Heaven.

Grand Slamma!

I remember when I was little, just starting to play softball, and my goal in life was to hit the ball undeniably hard and far. So far that I could just run around the bases and never stop until there weren't any bases for me to run to, and I could smile and just feel good.
But now, as I play more, I realize that I was a silly child. Because I would get up to bat to hit that ball, and each time I would try to generate more power than I had within me. And I would always have to catch myself from spinning and falling on the ground, which happened on one ocassion that I can remember.

Silly, silly Cece.

Band-aid?

I was always told when I was younger
that if I got a cut or anything
the best way for it to go away and heal best
was to rinse it out, clean it, bandage it, and leave it alone
and soon enough
I would be good as new.

But you can do that with people too
can't you?
You can cleanse your body of them
to get rid of anything about them
to help you better heal.
And then one day..
you won't need healing
because you'll be as good as new
with barely even a scar
to tell the tale.

Maybe.. maybe I'm 2.

I was told today that everything
excites me.
And I suppose it's true.
I suppose you could say
that today
I was just excited about everything.
Because I got injured like a real professional
and I ate a delicious burrito
and I had a pudding cup
and there's a game tonight
and I was just so excited
to walk around the track
and count how many steps I had
simply so I could say
'HA! I beat you!'

It seems as though
my personality gets more and more
childlike
with each day
that I'm alive.

Hi Emily

What's the point in a friendship
if you never see the person
or anything of that nature?
If you're going to consider someone a friend
how can they truly be a friend
if you don't take the time to talk to them
get to know them
and begin to care about them?

In my eyes..
without that
you don't have a friendship at all.

SURPRISE!

Please don't flip out
Please don't shoot me
Please don't walk away
Please don't cry

Please don't think any less of me
Please don't put this on my shoulders
Please don't hate me forever
Please don't leave me in pieces

I know you don't like surprises
but I love you too much
to have let this just
pass by.

Team vs Parents

The best of times are the ones where
you feel carefree
and you're surrounded by a support system
and you're aware that you can't do wrong
because here, there's no such thing
as a wrong act.
Here,
everything is accepted,
and not only accepted
but loved.

Bumblebee

Days like this are the best.
The kind where you're incredibly busy
and even though no one would ask,
you would be forced to say
'No, I can't hang out'
because they can't fit in your schedule.
Which makes you feel undeniably important.

Don't just die

So there's a guy in a room
and he's not really sure what he's doing there.
But the walls are black
and so is the floor
and he's feeling really lost.
He's never seen this place before
he's all alone
and there isn't a single thing in that room.
As time passes by
he's getting more fearful of what's going on
and he starts hypervenalate
and breathing gets more difficult
and he's going in and out of conciousness.
And just as he's thinking this is it,
that he hasn't got much time left to live..
he gropes the wall
and feels a piece of brass sticking from the wall.
Desperately, he fumbles with the mysterious object
as a door opens.. and he finds that he hours
of rentless fear
were meaningless.

And I'm starting to think...
maybe all solutions are as easily found
as this.

Bipolar much?

Sometimes, I feel like a giant buttmunch
because I think that I've just made someone.. sad?
or angry?
or just plain old hurt.

And then I think
that if they truly wanted things to be better
they'd get over trying to be macho
and just be themself.

But then I figure.
that I have no effect on them anyway
so it can't be because of me.

.....right?

Chinese guy?

You are amazing
for delivering my lo mein
in such a speedy manner.

Hey you, on 2, wiggle wiggle wiggle.

Everyone likes the feeling of being wanted
or better yet, needed.

And to have someone tell you that you made their day?
Well.. I believe that's pretty likable.

To and Fro

It's funny how you can have two completely opposing feels at the same time..

On one side,
I wish that I could rewind time
that I could re-do some things
or not have wasted my time on some people
or had been smart enough not to do some stupid things.

But at the same time,
I wish I could fast-forward my life
to a point where I could make my own decisions
and I would decide yes or no
and, initially, would become my own boss.

Pleeeeeease?

It's kinda awkward
to go swimming
and see someone
who you once had a thing with
and you're both half-naked
and they ask
for a hug.

Screenshot?

Blackmail seems to work exceedingly well.
I don't know why I never thought of it before.

The Who?

I wanna know who it was that made the law that seperates the ages of 15 and 16 by a landslide.
I don't see why someone who's 16 can, oh, say drive. When they have a friend off to the side, a few months younger, still 15, but can't drive.
Nope. That friend's stuck inside the house, staring out the window
wishing they could get themselves from point A to point B without seeming like a pathetic puppy dog with no home, begging for something.

There's also the topic of working. Of being considered physically able to work
which apparently doesn't include anyone under the age of 16.
So once again, there are 2 friends, still at the same point in life, and one can drive, and have a job which secures a tiny amount of income
while the other is sitting at home, not only pathetically staring out the window,
but also unbareably broke because they're not as 'able' to work as their friend, who is merely months older than they are.

So you're stuck with these 2 teenage kids,
one who has everything
and the other who has a nice window to sit at all summer.
Man.. I can't decide which one sounds more alluring...

allysmusic14

There are some people in the world who are just SO talented
And it's not even fair. Well, for everyone else
Because they're amazing singers, and guitarist
and you look up to them to the utmost amount
and all you can do is hope one day you'll be as amazing as they are,
even if that's incredibly far-fetched.

Maybe, this one you'll recognize

I like to think about my future. The perfect future. The one that contains
a big house on a lake
with a walk-around porch
and a white-picket fence
and numerous animals running amuck
and kids in diapers making the all-famous mud pies.

And in the background, just barely visible
is a couple sitting together
drinking orange juice
and sharing a Kit-kat.
And one looks a lot like me
and the other looks a lot like you.

And it makes me smile.. ya know
just a tiny bit.

Friend...?

I hate how often I grow apart from people.
It's not so much the process of growing apart
but more waking up one morning.. and thinking
'Man... I haven't talked to so-and-so in forever!'
And you constantly put off talking to them, because of stupid things
like just forgetting.. or other people taking up your time.. or
anything.
And you finally see them one day, and you decide to say hey, and
start up a good conversation or something..
Except, they don't quite remember you
and in all honesty..
you don't quite remember them either.

Good job!

I think I underestimate myself a little too often.
I just kinda, expect a mess-up, so I don't let myself down.
And then.. well, I don't mess up.
Hell, let's be so bold as to say I do something spectacular.
Well then, I'm kind of at a loss for words.
Because I don't really know what the situation calls for.
Is it acceptable to jump up and down for joy here?
Should I go around and talk about for a bit before shutting up?
Or should I just shrug it off like it's nothing?

Well.. I usually just smile at myself.
Not for a long period of time, but I wait about a half hour after it happens, just looking back.
Because.. I'm proud. Proud of myself.
And it's quite a nice feeling.

Lazy

It's pretty pathetic
when you're too lazy
to update a dang blog.

Sophmore

Freedom is being allowed to do whatever you want,
whenever you want,
however you want,
simply because you want.
And although it'd be a lie to say I've truly felt this proclaimed freedom,
this seems pretty damn close.

CIWWAF

I could never truly apply the phrase "practice makes perfect" to my life.
I've found that if I try really hard on something, and fill my mind completely with one goal of one accomplishment, I can't succeed.
I'm the type of person who's mediocre at pretty much everything. And the more I stick with something, the more average at it I become.
But if I try wicked hard at something, and then take a break from it, even just a break of a few ideas, I return to it rejuvenated and calm, and then. There's just no stopping.

It's only you

"And I don't know how it gets better than this
You take my hand and drag me head first.
Fearless."

Shaca laca

Maybe it's a personal thing, or maybe it's something everyone does
but i always. always. always.
over dramatize everything.
I make things out to be absolutely terrible, mostly out of first instinct,
until I really get a chance to look at the situation
and see how lucky I am.
Because no, things have never gone the way that I imagine,
but they still seem to go well
maybe even better.
And I could never argue with things going better than expected.

Flip off.

I'm beginning to wonder when all the light turned to darkness.
And when you try and tell me it's only as dark as I seem to make it,
I'm thinking in my head,
"Act.............toalee."

Later gator

It's the feeling of rejection that always makes my stomach currdle.
Because it's the thought of not being good enough, and that someone else is better.
It's like being a cookie in the cookie jar,
and you were part of the very first batch,
the testing batch.
So you're left in the jar,
and with each hand that dips its way in,
you're hoping to get chosen.
But you never are.
Because there's always another cookie,
one that wasn't part of the testing batch,
that's just more appealing to the eye,
than the nasty first try.

I miss

I miss the way you use to be.

When you were young and lively and you took pictures of me simply because you loved me.
And I would come over, and we would teach the dog tricks.
And you would walk me around your house, and tell me about all the boring flowers I couldn't care less about.
And you would come to my games, pretending like you knew what was going on, when we all knew you didn't.
And you told me about all these people, that I knew I'd never meet.
And I would spend the night as often as I could, because it made you happy.
And you scavenged around the house for a soft blanket to stop my crying.

But that was then.. and this is now.
And that was hello.. and this is goodbye.

I'm slowly dying

With each passing day
I'm slowly
dying.
My mind is weakening
and so is my
heart.
And one day
they're both just going to
stop.

Hm..

Sometimes I wonder how you can determine whether you're too 'good' for something to happen to you.
Like, when someone says "How could this have happened to me!?"
My question is
Why shouldn't it have happened to you?
Why not?

Possession is 9/10 of the Law

The one who posses the courage
to stand up against all odds
is the one who gets the glory.
The one who posses the strength
to ward off all monsters and beasts
is the one who gets their face plastered on every wall.
The one who posses the sense
to know wrong from right
is the one who survives through any occurrence.
The one who posses the power
to change the decision of a man
is the one who can always get his way.
The one who posses no significantly great quality at all
to use against evil or for the better of their being
is the one who gives the glory,
plasters the walls,
praises the survivor,
gives into the power,
and gets nothing in return.

Nothing

Just a little revision or add-on from something done by a good friend.

She looked out at the misty lake in silence
and I asked her
"what’s wrong"
and she said
"nothing"
and went back to her quiet.
She looked out at the misty lake in tears
and I asked her
"what's wrong"
and she said
"nothing"
and went back to her crying.
She looked out at the misty lake in rage
and I asked her
"what's wrong"
and she said
"nothing"
and went back to her anger.
She looked out at the misty lake in terror
and I asked her
"what's wrong"
and she said
"nothing"
and went back to her fear.
She looked out at the misty lake in confusion
and I asked her
"what's wrong"
and she said
"nothing"
and went back to her perplexion.
She looked out at the misty lake in bliss
and I asked her
"what's good"
and she said
"everything"
and went back to her joy.

Roasted milk..?

If you are ever offered leche asada,
kindly decline it.
Your stomach will thank me.

Dumbass

I think sometimes I intentionally, purposely make a fool of myself. I’m guessing you’re thinking that’s crazy? Well, it’s not.

You expect, well, no, not expect. You hope for a good turnout. For a good answer, or reply, or whatever. So you put all else aside. You forget about that little nagging voice telling you you’re being stupid, and you say it anyway. Because you’re hoping for the best, and you’re thinking you’re in the perfect timing.

Until you say something, and you realize your mouth shouldn’t have talked. Because the response is delayed, and it’s a kind response as any you’ll ever get, but that’s all it is. Kind. It’s not something to make you leap in the air, it’s not something to make you sleep easier that night, and it’s surely not something to make you glad that you said anything in the first place.

Because it’s only kind. Like a stranger kindly saying to the hobo “No, I don’t have any extra money.” When in fact, he has a crisp 20 in his back right pocket.

Really?

I think we all use the term of 'friend' a little too loosely.
Ok, make that a lot too loosely.

For whatever reason, we always just consider nearly everyone our friend.
The kid who sits in the back of the class you've never talked to? Oh of course, he's your friend.
That one chick who you always stand behind in the lunch line? Besties.
The asshole who makes fun of you constantly? Been tight since way back in the day.
And those kids who leave you after helping them, to walk your own ass home, at 10:00 at night, in a somewhat sketch area? Well duh. Can't live without 'em...

Ouch.

I think it might quite possibly be the hardest thing in the world, to sit there and try to make someone else happy. Like a sincere, just bliss and utter happiness,
when inside it's tearing you to shreds.

Fading

Slowly,
slowly I can feel you slipping away.
You're becoming harder to hold onto,
and I'm not sure how much longer you'll be here,
how much longer I can keep you hanging.
Because with each passing day,
you're beginning to slip farther out of my grasp.
And sometime down the road,
I'm wondering if you're gonna just let go.

Why?

Today in Geography, we had a sub, which meant we would spend the hour watching a movie. But I would have never expected anything like the video that I found myself watching..
Chernobyl. In April of 1986 a nuclear powerplant in the Ukraine experienced an explosion, causing only 3% of their radioactive products to get released into the air.
That's all it took.
People are still suffering. More and more newborn babies are being put up for adoption everyday in the Ukraine because their brains are mere tumors outside of their heads, because they have cancer that their parents already can't pay to get treatment for, because their bodies are too fragile for any potential use. More and more toddlers are being left on the streets everyday because they're 4 years old with the body of a 4 month old, because they're 6 years old but can't comprehend enough to go to school, because their parents can't stand to look at their children any longer, at what they created.
So what happens to these kids?
They get left in orphages, asylums, hospitals. Like an outcast. They're an outcast for having been born. For having the right to live. The right to live a life like anyone else.
But what kind of a life is it? When you're stuck in a room your whole life. When your limbs get cut off because they simply won't do anything. When you get looked at strangely, for just trying to be like everyone else.
Because in their eyes.. that's all you are.
Just some outcast, with little to give to society.
So with each and every passing day, their tumor gets bigger, or their defect becomes more difficult to live with..
And then they begin to wonder, why am I here?

A full mind

It's kinda silly to see all the things one can do with all of their mind on one thing.
No, wait, scratch that.
With even just half of their mind occupied on one thing.

EX:
Every night I arrived home from school, exhausted from making my brain work. So I spent all of my home time doing anything and everything possible not to work that little pink fleshy thing of mine. Anywhere from the boobtube, the computer, down to creating pictures from the stucco in the ceiling.
Well, life was just dandy that way, until grades came in. Aww... fuck.
So now, everyday. I get home, do homework for a few hours, then spend the rest of the night half in a daze, and half just trying to get done as many late assignments as possible.. just so I can say I did 'em.

Hey. It works.

Oxymoron?

Apparently
I'm irrational
with a good head on my shoulders.

Hm...

How many Grammys?

Slumdog Millionaire is absolutely incredible.
It's one of those story lines where you're sucked in all the way
til
the
end.
It gives you a sense of hope that anything can happen.
That you can go from rags to riches,
or if you look hard enough that you can find that one person who you lost so long ago.
And sure, maybe you'll say it's crazy to wish or believe in that.

So then I must be the craziest person alive.




When looking back.. and reading this..
I think this is quite possibly the stupidest blog I could ever post.
Most definately.

Twizzler

Twizzlers are tricky little suckers.
Once you've had one.. you can't stop.
You just keep eating
and eating
and eating
until you look down
and they're all gone.

I hate what I do.. what I do every fucking time.
I get mad.. and disappointed.. and then I fuck it up.
I make someone else feel like crap in hopes of making myself feel better.
Why?
Because I'm scared..
I'm scared of letting you in.
And I figure that maybe if I was an ass to you.. you'd never have the chance to be an ass to me.
But it seems like I end up getting hurt just as much as you do..
And that's not what I want for either of us.

Hello.Goodbye.

I've always wondered about the existence of man, the typical questions:
What's my purpose?
Why am I still here?
What's going to happen after living?
Is there a wrong and a right way to live?
How did I get here?
When will I leave?
Why are we here?

And as much as I'd like to say that out of the zillions of theories that I've come up with, that I think I've on the verge of a breakthrough;
No one likes a liar.

Titanic

Sometimes things go bad.
So bad to a point where it seems almost like death.
Like your on the boat and it just keeps filling with water
And the boat's sinking
And the pressure of the water is filling up the boat
Filling up your lungs
Until there's nowhere else to go,
So you simply
jump.

Central

There's something about my school at night that makes me giddy. But I'm not quite sure what it is.
I do know though, that I love it after hours. After all the loiterers, and the detention kids, and the teachers who I attempt to avoid, after they all leave, and it's quiet.
Complete. Silence.
Like I can walk down the hall and the only thing I hear is the echo of my footsteps bouncing off the old wooden walls. Or when I can run all the way up to the 4th floor, just to shout down the staircase. And laying in the middle of the floor, without the worry of being told to get the hell up.
Maybe school ain't so bad..

Fear

I'm scared of so many things it's ridiculous to even think of.

I fear imperfection. Of being criticized and picked apart. Like.. I'm being found out. That someone can find a vulnerable spot in my shield.
I fear rejection. Maybe it's because it's a bit similar to imperfection. If I was perfect, there would be no need to be rejected, right?
I fear the future. Growing up, and having to take care of myself. And later on down the road.. not just myself, but others. I'm not sure if I'm up for it.
I fear committment. Having to stay grounded with something or someone for a long period of time. Losing excitment in my life that had once existed, because I have to stay attached to something..
I fear being forgotten. I don't want people to mention my name.. and those who were once closest to me to have to ask who that is. To leave a mark on the world, that's a sure fire way to be remembered.
And don't even get me started on actual things, like, tangible things. Bugs, spiders, heights (which no, aren't tangible, but still.. you get it.)
But I think more than anything.. I fear death. Dying. Decaying. Under the ground. Ashes in a yern. What comes after death? Do we all go to heaven? Is there really a feeling of dying, or are you simply reborn, reincarnated? I think if I had three wishes.. I'd use at least one so that I could die for a day, only for a day, just to see what it's like on the other side.

Mistake

Sometimes the sketchiest of places can lead you to the best of results.
If I can say that's been proven with places.. why can't it be true with people? I'm not saying everyone should go and look for the strangest, sketchiest, or creepiest person they can find, and befriend them in hopes of something good coming from it. But take a leap of faith ocassionally, what you don't know might surprise you.

The game

I love the game.

I love the game more than tanning, more than string cheese, more than pudding, more than you, more than me, more than anything.

Because of the lights; the lights that beam on my face when the sun goes down and I can look up, and around and I can feel the heat of those massive lights, telling me that it's game on.

Because of the atmosphere; the atmosphere that keeps me screaming, and shouting, and spouting out ridiculous songs that I'm going to remember for the rest of my life, reminding me why I'm there.

Because of the dirt; the dirt and the way it feels when I have to slide to catch that insane hit, or the way it feels in my hands when I'm forced to step on that mound and face the batter, crumbling between my fingers, letting me know I belong.

Because of the pressure; the pressure that I put on myself, that I control, that I feel when I see a ball coming straight for me, and there's no one else around, when I get up to bat and my hands are sweating in my gloves, anxious and nervous for that perfect hit, beckoning me in every time.

Because of the perfection; the perfection that comes when the lights and the atmosphere and the dirt and the pressure are all aligned together just right, and I get goosbumps up my arms because I'm in the zone, and it's no longer 'the game';
It's my game.

Meaning...?

"The only thing to fear, is fear itself."-FDR

What was Roosevelt thinking when he said this!? I'll tell you. He wasn't, because he had some nimrod write the dang speech for him, so whatever that nimrod was thinking is beyong me. Maybe he thought that since the whole nation was under such duress, he'd throw something out there that would give everyone hope, that WE were making it all up, and that there's nothing to fear.

That's bullshit if I've ever heard the word.

Let's say you're in a building, on the 28th floor, and it catches on fire, and is slowly burning. If you're smart, you're scared for your life, right? But apparently the only thing to fear is fear itself, so just stop being fearful. Because apparently, if you're not scared, there won't be anything to fear. So if you're not scared anymore, what? The building's going to magically go out, the sun will shine, and you can go back to work.

Give me a break.

-ing. un-. ir-.

I was scolded for not writing enough. Eat shit.

It's dreadful seeing him walk away from you, mascara streaming down your wet, tear filled face, with his arm around her waist, the grimace on her face; destroying, unerasable, irresistible.
It's dreadful having everything slip away, fading so fast, what was part of your past, but it just wouldn't last; wanting, unbelievable, irrational.
It’s dreadful knowing that every second that goes by, you feel like you're going to die, and you can't help but cry, as he says goodbye; ending, unstoppable, irreplaceable.

People

Sometimes one person can make or break your day.

Example: "OMG! Becky! What the HELL are you wearing!?"

That amazing friend, just ruined Becky's day. A bit of advice Becky, drop that friend like I'm pretty sure you dropped whatever it was you were wearing.

Example: "DAYMMM Becky! That's one fine ass skirt you got on."

Slightly strange? Maybe. But day making? Yes. That provacative statement probably made Becky blush, and hold her head up just a little bit higher that day.

I don't know about anyone else... but I've got one person who I can always count on to make my day, whether it's a 'you look too hot for your shirt' or just a simple smile.

Numero Uno

It begins right here. I'm not quite sure how long it'll last.. but for right now it feels good.
You got me started with this. You'll read it eventually, and you'll know, but for right now, this is just me. Not worrying about who reads this or anything.. maybe no one ever will.