I had forgotten what it felt like to feel like this. Blissfully happy because of one person, despite all the shit that surrounds you.
I hate when people make a relationship their everything. When they allow relationships to be the reason why they're happy or sad depending on how things are going. But what I don't mind is letting someone fill you with joy and happiness, especially as everything else starts falling apart.
And you sir, are filling me with more warmth and delight than I've known for quite a while.
SO thank you
Wednesday, November 28, 2012
Monday, November 5, 2012
Sunday, November 4, 2012
dear friends,
I made three phone calls today descending in order of importance.
The first call I made was to Karissa. I can't believe she's liked me for the past week. I know she hasn't the past few days. I've spent my time lately looking out for myself and being an inconsiderate, selfish brat and it's not who I am. At all.
I'm sorry Karissa. I've been giving Ryan all my time and I've been blowing you off so I can get the D. I've been the kind of friend that no one likes, and you've deserved a better roommate. But more importantly, I thought for one second it would be okay for me to talk to Carter. Even though you said it was okay and that you guys never officially talked, I should've known it wasn't a question to ever ask. I was so caught up in the attention he gave me that I didn't even take a minute to realize how awful the situation was.
The second call I made was to Ryan. I know I've been the worst to him. What I did isn't even forgivable, but I know he'll forgive me and talk to me like an old friend and come over to hang out when invited. But that isn't the point at all. It's the fact that I acted the way I did to you without hesitation.
I'm sorry Ryan. I made it known to you from the beginning that I wasn't looking for a relationship, but that doesn't make what I did okay. Despite my intentions, I still led you on to believe that it could be in our future soon when I knew it wouldn't be. And it has nothing to do with you. I know it's so cliche to say it's not you, it's me, but it is. God, you were so sweet to me. I was just a bitch, and I'm so sincerely sorry Ryan, really.
The third call I made was to Carter. I can't believe I even thought for any period of time that 'hanging out' with you would be acceptable.
I'm sorry Carter, that I'm not sorry. You are slightly repulsive and not someone I want to affiliate with in any sort of romantic fashion. When I see you next I'll act as though you're a friend and pretend like this whole situation never happened. But really, how dare you try to make out with my face after I arrived at the party with Ryan and spent the entire night trying to get you to hook up with Karissa. Really?
The first call I made was to Karissa. I can't believe she's liked me for the past week. I know she hasn't the past few days. I've spent my time lately looking out for myself and being an inconsiderate, selfish brat and it's not who I am. At all.
I'm sorry Karissa. I've been giving Ryan all my time and I've been blowing you off so I can get the D. I've been the kind of friend that no one likes, and you've deserved a better roommate. But more importantly, I thought for one second it would be okay for me to talk to Carter. Even though you said it was okay and that you guys never officially talked, I should've known it wasn't a question to ever ask. I was so caught up in the attention he gave me that I didn't even take a minute to realize how awful the situation was.
The second call I made was to Ryan. I know I've been the worst to him. What I did isn't even forgivable, but I know he'll forgive me and talk to me like an old friend and come over to hang out when invited. But that isn't the point at all. It's the fact that I acted the way I did to you without hesitation.
I'm sorry Ryan. I made it known to you from the beginning that I wasn't looking for a relationship, but that doesn't make what I did okay. Despite my intentions, I still led you on to believe that it could be in our future soon when I knew it wouldn't be. And it has nothing to do with you. I know it's so cliche to say it's not you, it's me, but it is. God, you were so sweet to me. I was just a bitch, and I'm so sincerely sorry Ryan, really.
The third call I made was to Carter. I can't believe I even thought for any period of time that 'hanging out' with you would be acceptable.
I'm sorry Carter, that I'm not sorry. You are slightly repulsive and not someone I want to affiliate with in any sort of romantic fashion. When I see you next I'll act as though you're a friend and pretend like this whole situation never happened. But really, how dare you try to make out with my face after I arrived at the party with Ryan and spent the entire night trying to get you to hook up with Karissa. Really?
It's not that I don't feel like myself, I'm just not sure what I feel like anymore.
I'm becoming numb to so much. And I know I've said this all before, but that's because it's becoming so prominent for me to just feel lost and in a daze.
I haven't felt anything strong for anyone in a long time. I like having the comfort of someone there with me and for me, but I don't genuinely feel for anyone. It's such a crazy transformation from last year when I was so willing to go out looking for love, and now I'm rejecting it so forcefully.
And I can't stop myself.
I want to be like that again. I want to want to fall in love. I want to meet someone who makes me feel like my heart skips a beat when I see them and who takes my breath away and who is amazing. I want that instant feeling for someone where I know in the first few minutes that they're something special. And I don't intend to settle for anything less. I'm just growing impatient with all the bullshit lately.
I'm becoming numb to so much. And I know I've said this all before, but that's because it's becoming so prominent for me to just feel lost and in a daze.
I haven't felt anything strong for anyone in a long time. I like having the comfort of someone there with me and for me, but I don't genuinely feel for anyone. It's such a crazy transformation from last year when I was so willing to go out looking for love, and now I'm rejecting it so forcefully.
And I can't stop myself.
I want to be like that again. I want to want to fall in love. I want to meet someone who makes me feel like my heart skips a beat when I see them and who takes my breath away and who is amazing. I want that instant feeling for someone where I know in the first few minutes that they're something special. And I don't intend to settle for anything less. I'm just growing impatient with all the bullshit lately.
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