Saturday, December 29, 2012
Thursday, December 20, 2012
YOLO (Part II)
I want to stop thinking about my next step. That's all I ever do. I'm so afraid of being unprepared that I try to prepare for something that I can't anticipate. And it's wasting my time.
I'm so worried about my next move I'm not stopping to appreciate what's going on now. I'm not creating the proper present time to build my future off of. I get to the point I've been waiting for only to be ready to move onto the next thing.
I can't do it anymore. I can't keep letting times pass me by. I'm not enjoying myself anymore. These times I have with people I don't enjoy either because of that constant thought in my mind of tomorrow. But how can I enjoy tomorrow when I can't even enjoy today?
I'm making a pact right now to stop thinking about the what ifs in life and be more thankful for the what is. All that's standing in front of me now.
And as the rough patches come, I'll deal with them then. But for now I'm 19 and I've got more life inside of me now than I ever will again. There's no sense in wasting that
I'm so worried about my next move I'm not stopping to appreciate what's going on now. I'm not creating the proper present time to build my future off of. I get to the point I've been waiting for only to be ready to move onto the next thing.
I can't do it anymore. I can't keep letting times pass me by. I'm not enjoying myself anymore. These times I have with people I don't enjoy either because of that constant thought in my mind of tomorrow. But how can I enjoy tomorrow when I can't even enjoy today?
I'm making a pact right now to stop thinking about the what ifs in life and be more thankful for the what is. All that's standing in front of me now.
And as the rough patches come, I'll deal with them then. But for now I'm 19 and I've got more life inside of me now than I ever will again. There's no sense in wasting that
YOLO
I take everything for granted
Cause I'm so damn good at it
Don't think twice about my actions
I take no second looks
Never once do I take a moment
Breathe it in
I'm always waiting for the next one to begin
That's the problem these days
With my head in the clouds
I only think about tomorrow
No time to enjoy today
And I become a zombie in my body
Just waiting for a day that's never gonna come
As long as I'm waiting for what hasn't begun
Cause I'm so damn good at it
Don't think twice about my actions
I take no second looks
Never once do I take a moment
Breathe it in
I'm always waiting for the next one to begin
That's the problem these days
With my head in the clouds
I only think about tomorrow
No time to enjoy today
And I become a zombie in my body
Just waiting for a day that's never gonna come
As long as I'm waiting for what hasn't begun
Thursday, December 13, 2012
The anxiety
I'm so afraid of right now. Of everything and anything.
As finals come to a close, I'm dreading seeing my scores despite the subtle confidence I felt as I left each testing room, filled with a feeling of completion and success. I can't help but remind myself that if they didn't go as planned, as well as they should have with all luck on my side, I won't be a college student next semester. Unless you count a handful of credits at a community college.
I looked through my scholarship requirements and checked my list twice to ensure that all events had been made and all loose ends tied, but somehow I come up short. The giant words INCOMPLETE just seemed to loom in my face and mock me as though all the efforts I put into the semester have been short lived. For nothing. Without it, I'll be a ridiculously poor and overworked part-time college student spending the majority of my conscious hours at Outback waiting tables, like always.
I may have made the mistake of disclosing certain information to you which I ought not have. It may have slipped that I'm rapidly falling for you so early on, and I find myself doing it again. Becoming just a cling monster. And even though you said you felt it too, you admitted to the hesitation you had and confessed it seemed early. Because it is. But I can't help but feel the obligation to tell someone something that's on my mind that I want so desperately for them to know. And now I feel myself instantly shying away and getting beat up about seeming like a sad, lost child, clinging onto you.
I can't wait for this break. A month free of grades and the constant worrying in the back of my mind about my final outcome. A month without having to wonder if my scholarship is in jeopardy and trying to plan for the worst. And a month of casual sightings of you, merely twice a week maximum, which is bound to help end this attachment that I have to you. Or at least lessen it.
As finals come to a close, I'm dreading seeing my scores despite the subtle confidence I felt as I left each testing room, filled with a feeling of completion and success. I can't help but remind myself that if they didn't go as planned, as well as they should have with all luck on my side, I won't be a college student next semester. Unless you count a handful of credits at a community college.
I looked through my scholarship requirements and checked my list twice to ensure that all events had been made and all loose ends tied, but somehow I come up short. The giant words INCOMPLETE just seemed to loom in my face and mock me as though all the efforts I put into the semester have been short lived. For nothing. Without it, I'll be a ridiculously poor and overworked part-time college student spending the majority of my conscious hours at Outback waiting tables, like always.
I may have made the mistake of disclosing certain information to you which I ought not have. It may have slipped that I'm rapidly falling for you so early on, and I find myself doing it again. Becoming just a cling monster. And even though you said you felt it too, you admitted to the hesitation you had and confessed it seemed early. Because it is. But I can't help but feel the obligation to tell someone something that's on my mind that I want so desperately for them to know. And now I feel myself instantly shying away and getting beat up about seeming like a sad, lost child, clinging onto you.
I can't wait for this break. A month free of grades and the constant worrying in the back of my mind about my final outcome. A month without having to wonder if my scholarship is in jeopardy and trying to plan for the worst. And a month of casual sightings of you, merely twice a week maximum, which is bound to help end this attachment that I have to you. Or at least lessen it.
Sunday, December 2, 2012
I know I have issues. The problem is though that I can't figure out a solution to any of them.
I have an anger problem. The smallest things can make me angry and lash out. And even though I recognize it as it happens, I can't stop it because I know it'll all build up inside of me unless I unleash it. I just wish I knew a healthier way to let it all go.
Sometimes I feel like I'm bipolar. One second I can be angry and explode, but then five minutes later I'm calm and smiling and back to my normal self.
I latch onto guys incredibly fast. Even though it takes more than just a charmed smile to get my attention, once I'm hooked that's all that's on my mind. And I can't help it. The worst part is that I know it drives them all away but I can't do anything to stop myself from wanting it so bad.
I have an anger problem. The smallest things can make me angry and lash out. And even though I recognize it as it happens, I can't stop it because I know it'll all build up inside of me unless I unleash it. I just wish I knew a healthier way to let it all go.
Sometimes I feel like I'm bipolar. One second I can be angry and explode, but then five minutes later I'm calm and smiling and back to my normal self.
I latch onto guys incredibly fast. Even though it takes more than just a charmed smile to get my attention, once I'm hooked that's all that's on my mind. And I can't help it. The worst part is that I know it drives them all away but I can't do anything to stop myself from wanting it so bad.
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