Change.
I heard somewhere that people can change, it's just easier not to. It's simpler to stick with what you know instead of venturing off into the abyss and discovering something else about yourself; another way you can be. And while the journey to reach this change is long and hard, the feeling of reaching that unknown destination is liberating. Right?
But I'm afraid of it: the change. Whether it's the change that takes time, or the change that happens drastically, overnight, and whether it's the change that you meant to happen, or the change that occurred on its own, it's all still change. As difficult as it can be sometimes to change yourself, it's more difficult to revert back to your old self. I'm going through all these changes and I wonder if it's all what I really want. Sometimes I wish I could go back in my past and tell my former self that she was beautiful just the way she was, and to never change. But it's unrealistic, because at some point we all have to grow up. I'm just lost in the definition of what it really means to grow up.
I see people going through all the changes around me and they're different than my changes. Some become dependent on alcohol, some on the idea of reaching happiness, others on themselves. My changes and this transformation I'm trying to take myself through can't really be labeled though either. It's confusing and a mess, because I'm confusing and mess and I want it to all make sense. I want to know what my change is suppose to be and how I'm suppose to grow up.
But I know I won't find the answers until I realize one day that I already have them.