Today has been hard. Harder than the usual. I keep telling myself it's fine and that it's all going to be fine, but I don't feel fine. I feel shattered. And weak. I have never been the girl to let a boy or a breakup dictate the entirety of my mood. I get over things because I am strong. I take my few days to sulk and I move on; it's the way things are. But now I feel so weak. I am weak.
I can't tell if I'm going crazy. It seems psychotic to still feel this way and to be so dramatic about it all, but not a day goes by that I don't feel like this for at least some amount of time.
Everything else is just becoming a distraction. I do whatever it is I can to get my mind off of you. While I refuse to turn to alcohol or drugs, I try to stay busy, be with people, work out. Anything. But there's always that split second in the day when my mind reverts back to you, and then I can't get you out of my head.
The way I think about you, it feels like you're dead. The memories and the way things use to be, I know it won't get back to that. And I don't want things to be like that again. I want us to grow together and build together something special. I know you aren't dead. I know you're there when I need you and open to spending time with me. I guess it's that we're dead. The "us." And it can't be resurrected.
I fear more than anything the day that you leave me behind. When you have moved on and you find someone who appreciates you the way that I should have. Because even though by then you'll be able to overcome all the issues that made you decide to change, I still believe it won't be right. Our mistakes will go away, but we'll end up with the wrong people.
I don't wanna go back to who we were, I wanna go forward being a new version of ourselves. I want us to be that couple that finds their way through this to something better. Something we both know is worth fighting for and protecting.
I don't have all the answers. I don't have any answers. I just know that I miss you.